Inner-noise Revolution

2006-12-31T21:00:00.000-06:00

3,000 American Soliders Dead.

No Allies.

Not For US, Not For Our "Cause".

And A President Who Doesn't Listen.

2006-12-25T22:35:00.000-06:00

Back on Earth.....

Sheesh!
Sorry I've been off the radar for a while. Retail during the holidays is hectic to say the least.

I made the HUGE mistake of upgrading to DSL through my current provider, Earthlink. That further added to my misery. I was offline for almost three weeks. It's not fun trying to read your email on your mom's PC. Especially when it's shoved in the corner of a small spare bedroom. With crap in front of it. Lots of crap.

I just want to make this a short one, so, I'll close out with my Xmas list.

What I wanted;

1) An acoustic guitar
2) A girlfriend
3) Season 9 of the Simpsons
4) A LCD TV
5) A new receiver
6) A 2007 calendar

What I got;
1) An electric guitar (which will require the purchase of an amp)
2) A Betty Boop Fleece Throw
3) A Spongebob Fleece Throw
4) A pair of Betty Boop slippers
5) A new Flat-screen TV
6) A very interesting pen
7) 50% of a 1lb Godiva chocolate box
8) a $25 gift card to Old Navy

and 10 hours of sleep.

Now, if I could just get that girlfriend, I'd be set.

2006-11-13T22:46:00.000-06:00

I can't wait....

I'm a huge fan of Heroes. I even have Niki Saunders as my background. She's totally hot.

But this evening's episode baffled me.

Why did Syler kill Charlie instead of Hiro? Hiro can stop time, he can even stop other Heroes within time, but he kills Charlie instead? Is it because of her memory skills? What would she know or remember about Syler?

Someone sitting in the dark in darkness would catch my attention, irregardless of the country.

Anyway, let's break it down a little.

So far, this is what I can gather from Syler's skills;

Either bullet-proof or a quick healer, like Claire

Possibly can see the future, like Isaac (he seems to pick his victims either before they become aware of their skills, or, just as they become aware something is "different" about them)

Can jump and fly, although no one knows how high or fast. Nathan can fly at super-sonic speed, but there is no known character that can jump as high as Syler.

Assumed to have super-human strength, like Niki's alter-ego, reffered to on-set as "Jessica"

May have the ability to change the temperature of his environment (as evidenced by the frozen man with his head cut open and his brains removed)

He possesses very strong telekinesis skills.

The Heroes' "Leg Up" in all of this

Micah has so far demonstrated an ability to "fix" things, such as the dead pay phone

D.L. has the ability to move through/meld with solid objects

Hiro can stop and move through time whether it is itself stopped or moving

Peter has the ability to mimic any special skill of another Hero he has been in contact with. So far, he cannot perform said ability with the level of skill or mastery that the original Hero who possesses it, but can perform it on a basic level.
It's also rumored that he has a strong telepathic bond with his brother, Nathan. That would explain his waltzing in on his brother's campaign interview with a major newspaper

Tonight, there was a boy who was (possibly) controlling Mohinder's dreams, showing Mohinder instances in his family's existence that he would not have seen on his own. Mohinder was able to verify one of these in a conversation with his mother.

Mohinder discovers that this boy is comatose. Wow.

We've now been introduced to a character that apparently has multiple skills; this person was not only able to project himself mentally into someone else's mind, but, he was also able to move through time AND space to place that person into a particular instance. And he's doing this all while he's lying in a bed somewhere.

And we finally, kinda, sorta discover Mr. Bennet's true intentions. Turns out Retardo the Wonder Chicken is trying to save his daughter from being killed, without realizing (in my opinion) that he's probably going to kill her.

I'll elaborate on my theory later.
It's time for bed.

2006-11-09T13:19:00.000-06:00

How does that feel?

I watched that little sack of shit from Texas sqwirm in his suit and tie yesterday during his press conference. But this was the kicker for me personally.

"I thought that the American people understood the issues with taxes and security, but...."

Insert several very uncomfortable moments of jerking, sweating and shifting here.

"Uh, the American people have spoken."

No, asshole, what you wanted to say was that you didn't understand why the American people didn't understand policies which resulted in the deaths of over 3,000 US soldiers and possibly half a million or MORE Iraqis getting killed.

You wanted to say that you didn't understand why the American people didn't think it was okay for you to continue giving tax cuts to the rich while the middle class gets smaller and smaller.

But, you didn't, you couldn't.

I sincerely hope that for once in your life Captain Head-Up-Your-Ass, you got it. I sincerely hope that you finally understood that you can't cater to the upper 10% of this nation and forget about the other 90%.

It is this 90% that makes this country what it is. We are the ones that tell you what you should buy, what the weather's going to be like, ring out your purchases and stock the shelves from which you grab. We are the ones who teach your children, fix your cars, and maintain your roads. We are the ones who cook your food, pick your fruit and harvest your bread.

And how you've chosen to thank us is by having someone else make our clothes, our cars, our customers happy.

Well Mr. President, this is how we've chosen to thank you.

Bitch.

2006-11-07T23:44:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I'm up late tonight.

Marriage equality bans (let's call them what they are folks) have passed in four states.

The Dems have control of the House.

Let's hope they get control of the Senate.

Let's really hope that they make Bush look like the most inbred, retarded, worthless, sack of shit lame duck president there has ever been.

Sincerly,

A Progressive who ACTUALLY voted.

*If you don't vote, don't bitch* - Matthew Shepard

2006-10-12T13:38:00.000-05:00

Better late than never, I guess....

It's a long one folks. You've been warned.

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day.

Yeah, I missed it, but, then again, I think it's hypocritical to observe a "National" holiday touted by a so-called "gay-rights" group that is run by a straight man. That's the reason why I walked right past the HRC tent at Market Days, only stopping when I was asked if I wanted a sticker from HRC.
I simply gave the poor woman an indignant "No" and kept walking. The dumb broad probably just blew me off, without giving a thought as to why I didn't want one.
Said the same thing to the Stonewall Democrats people, and, had to consciously stop myself from wanting to grab the nearest garbage can and dumping it on the stupid monkeys I call the Log Cabin Republicans.

But, to honor that day, although I am a day late, I will share my coming out story with all of you who read this.

I will start by answering the question that I seem to get from everybody........

"When did you know?"

That's a question that I have to look back on my life to answer. If you asked my this question when I first came out, I would not have been able to answer it, except with the typical, plain, unexceptionally "I've always known".

That's not quite the case.

I remember being in kindergarten class one day, stopping my play with my friends, and running up to the back wall facing the door to the classroom and thinking to myself "There's something different about me."

The thought passed and I went on to play with my classmates.

The next time that thought hit me, it was when I first heard the word "gay".

It was junior year in high school, and, I was sitting in the regular English class when one of my classmates outed himself. You could have heard a pin drop, but, just for a second. Then came the rush of questions..."how do you know?...when did you know?.....do you have a boyfriend now?..." and so on.

The rest of that year was uneventful (unlike my sophomore year), and, then senior year came, with it's rush of college apps, ACT and SAT scores, AP classes (I was in four) and senior prom, luncheon and graduation.

The senior prom was the BIG event.

At this point, my parents were newly divorced, and, my mom had her job for about a year. Between the two of us, we split the cost of my prom dress, and my mom bought me shoes and matching purse. I even had my hair done and had makeup and a manicure. I was very, very femme back then. I went back to the place several days later to buy a garter.

I don't remember who I gave the garter to, but, it's the only piece of my ensemble that I don't have today. And no, I can't fit into my dress; I was 140 (size 8) in my senior year, and, 15 years later, I'm at 153 (size 12). It's obvious where all my weight went, and, I ain't fitting in that dress ever again.

Anyway, the night of senior prom, I met up with a friend to mooch a ride in the limo his mom got for him, along with several other friends.

We ended up at some hotel downtown, and, as expected, the dinner was horribly bland, at best. We kept spiking our drinks with some Schnapps that someone snuck in, and, after an hour of bad music and the garter removal, we left.

Before I forget, I must mention that said guy that outed himself the previous year, brought a very hot date that turned out to be a drag queen.

But, I digress.........

Turns out that was the first time I had heard the word "gay". I didn't put any meaning to it, since it applied to someone else. But towards my senior year, it began to echo around in my head.

The echo began to disappear when college came around, and, I jumped from high school right into my college career, despite my parent's insistence that I take a semester or a year off. I should have listened, because I got dropped in my fifth semester. I am in over my head, and, it didn't help that I was coming to terms with repressed emotions and feelings about my childhood molestation.

Too boot, I piled on my conflict with my being gay on top of all that, and, it snapped me in half. I couldn't do it anymore. I chose to let school go. Everything else I had to deal with before I could anything else with my life.

I was up in my bedroom (this was back when my parents still owned property in Chicago) and when I took a deep breath and decided to tell my mom about my molestation.

I went downstairs to living room (we had a duplex apartment) and asked her to sit down because I wanted to talk to her. She almost immediately began grilling me about how much college cost and how disappointed she and my father were about my getting dropped. I told her I understood and I apologized. I asked her how much longer I would have to apologize before she'd stop grilling me about what happened. Unfortunately, both of my parents thought I was completely ignorant about money. They often referred to me being spoiled. But that's another post.

I started to tell her about what happened to me; she even remembered the incident I described to her. I was in tears by the time I was finished.

Then silence.

She said to me "That's it" with a condescending retort.

I became hysterical. "What do you mean that's it?"

"I was molested by my mother's boyfriends, and I'm just fine!"

No, she is not fine, I thought.

She looked at me with a look that fell between anger and disappointment. "Is there anything else?"

I looked at her and said "No." I had no intention of even attempting to discuss my new discovery of being gay.

But she saw that I was wounded and vulnerable, and she went in for the kill.

"Are you gay?" she asked.

In tears, I responded. "I'm not going to lie to you. I think I am."

I don't remember her response after that, I just remember becoming more hysterical as she said that I wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't doing anything ever without her permission, or else she was going to tell my dad that I was gay, and that he was going to throw me out of the house and into the street.

I was shocked. My stomach hit the floor and my heart was shattered. All of this by my own mother.

I said to her "Oh my God. I can't believe that you're doing this to me. You're my mother! How could you do this to me?"

I guess it was at this point that she realized what she was doing and tried to hug me. I pushed her away and ran upstairs to my room. I locked myself in for the rest of the night and barely spoke to her for days.

It was at that point that I made the unconscious decision to never trust anyone with my thoughts or feelings again. If I couldn't trust my own mother, and, through her words, my own father, who could I trust?

It's taken me years to overcome this deep seeded mistrust of everyone. Even now, most of the feelings that come out are negative and critical, far from being deeply personal. I'm not a cold person, I was just forced to be.

Even now, I withhold information about my friends and my volunteer work from my mom; it's become natural to do that. Second nature.

It's sad that I have to do such a thing. Even to this day, I have an inherent distrust of my mother.

So, that's my coming out story. I never said it was going to be a happy one.

2006-10-07T03:25:00.000-05:00

Are you nervous? I am....

This year, GLN is changing the format of the Shepard march a bit, and, now I'm giving the opening speech. It's 3 in the morning, and, I still haven't finished what I'm going to say. I am very nervous, nervous as all hell. It also looks like I'll be stuck with the fundraising pitch too.

Where's a bottle of wine when I need it.

2006-10-01T01:01:00.000-05:00

MyLanta

It should be a crime to let me post as drunk as I am.
WooHoo!

Not that I have anything to say.

Other than at times like this, I am very lonely. Lonely, not desperate, mind you.

It should be against the law to ingest an entire bottle of wine.

Seriously.

2006-09-21T00:48:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am writing this in huge letters for a reason.
I want to get your attention, because this is important to me.

I am shocked and disgusted that Blogger not only condones, but, supports the "freedom" of pedophiles to post not only their opinions for, but, their desires to have a sexual relationship with a child. Some of these users even post blatant solicitations of minors by the way of links to their profiles on other websites.

Possession of child pornography is illegal, committing the act of pedophilia is illegal, so, why are these people allowed to maintain "legitimate" blogs?

This is important to me not only as a decent human being (let's face it folks, the whole marrying a kid thing is sooo 1500's), but, as a woman who was molested when she was a child.

It has taken me 10 years, 4 of them in therapy, to come to grips and deal with this event.

I placed my trust in an adult who asked me to go with them; I said I would, as a child. I trusted that adult to keep me safe and to make sure that nothing bad happened to me, and, instead they did something bad to me, violating my trust.

In my opinion, a child does NOT have the skill set, wisdom or the experience to consent to any sexual activity.

Further more, in my opinion, children should not be made to be placed in sexual situations because of the inability or unwillingness of the adult to create and maintain a "normal" sexual relationship with another sexually mature adult of consenting age.

I put normal in quotes for the simple fact that I, as a progressive individual, feel an obligation to fight for the right for any person to express themselves in any sexual way, as long as it's consensual, both parties are of legal age, no one dies (physically) and no body parts get cut off.

That leaves a lot open, but, that's how I feel.

I just cannot stomach this without saying something.

So, if you want to know more.... click here.

I'd actually like to write more about this, but, I'm too tired now. But I will.

2006-09-17T00:42:00.000-05:00

One more thing......

I'm debating whether I should delete the old blog or not.

2006-09-17T00:27:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I've been busy...again

Worked 15 hours on Sunday for my store's inventory. I have way too much shit, and, I'm only going to get more.

Shit.

So, over the past several days, I've spent some time relaxing by re-discovering some of the tracks on my pc. These are tracks that I originally burned to CD to make room on my old pc, which had a whopping 20GB on the hard drive. I was big-pimpin', let me tell you.

Anyway, I discovered that I have all this cool stuff on CDs. I even somehow (I don't remember) have a copy of Platinum on Black, one of the most sought after dance CDs I've ever heard of. If you're under 30, then you probably wouldn't know what I was talking about.

So, before I leave here for tonight, here ya go!
I don't agree with the "Stud" result though. If I were a "stud", I'd have a girlfriend already.

2006-08-30T21:03:00.000-05:00

How do you spell.......

In case you haven't heard.

Google.com.

Type in the word "failure".

Look at the first thing that comes up.

I haven't laughed this hard in so long.........

2006-08-23T22:52:00.000-05:00

Still bigots after all these years....

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

August 22, 2006

MICHIGAN WOMYN'S MUSIC FESTIVAL SETS THE RECORD "STRAIGHT"

Hart, Michigan

Seeking to correct misinformation widely distributed by "Camp Trans" organizers, Michigan Womyn's Music Festival founder and producer Lisa Vogel released the following clarification:

"Since 1976, the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival has been created byand for womyn-born womyn, that is, womyn who were born as and have lived their entire life experience as womyn. Despite claims to the contrary by Camp Trans organizers, the Festival remains a rare and precious space intended for womyn-born womyn."

"The facts surrounding the interactions between WWTMC and Camp Trans organizers are as follows: In the months preceding this year's Festival, held August 8 - 13, there was communication between a Camp Trans organizer named Lorraine and Lisa Vogel. Letters from Lorraine continued during the Festival, when they were hand-delivered to the Festival's front gate from Camp Trans, which takes place on Forest Service Land across from Festival property.

On Tuesday, August 8th, Camp Trans organizers inquired at the Box Office about Festival admission.

They were told that the Festival is intended for womyn-born womyn, and that those who seek to purchase tickets are asked to respect that intention. Camp Trans organizers left without purchasing tickets. They returned the next day and were given the same information. Lorraine at that point chose to purchase a ticket.

On Wednesday, August 9th, Vogel sent a reply letter to Lorraine which stated in part:"I deeply desire healing in our communities, and I can see and feel that you want that too. I would love for you and the other organizers of Camp Trans to find the place in your hearts and politics to support and honor space for womyn who have had the experience of being born and living their life as womyn. I ask that you respect that womon born womon is a valid and honorable gender identity. I also ask that you respect that womyn born womyn deeply need our space -- as do all communities who create space to gather, whether that be womyn of color, trans womyn or trans men... I wish you well, I want healing,and I believe this is possible between our communities, but not at the expense of deeply needed space for womyn born womyn."

Vogel's written request that Camp Trans organizers respect the Festival as womyn-born-womyn space was consistent with information provided to Camp Trans organizers who approached the Festival Box Office. "Does this represent a change in the Festival's commitment to womyn-born womyn space? No." says Vogel. "If a transwoman purchased a ticket, it represents nothing more than that womon choosing to disrespect the stated intention of this Festival."

At this point I stopped reading.

It's times like these that I despise semantics.

Yes, I agree that from all appearances, it looks like Camp Trans jumped the gun. I agree with that.

But that's all I agree with.

What's with this "womon" crap?

Why aren't they "womyn" like you? Are they not good enough?

Or do they not fit your narrow definition of "womyn"?

**********************************************************************

I've always despised labels. Labels impose limits. Labels impose stereotypes in the guise of expectations and fools people into having certain perceptions about certain groups or types of people.

Yeah, I hate labels.

Labels are used to divide, to separate, to make someone look and feel different. Even if they aren't.

But what pertains to this most is that they are used to point someone out who may not be that much different from you or I in the first place.

I'm not going to beat around the bush here; with most trans people I've come across, I really couldn't tell. Sometimes the adam's apple would give them away, but, some of them are beautiful women.

I'll explain why this issue is so important to me.

Despite religious bigots' best attempts, I still believe and love God. I also believe that God does not make mistakes.

He simply doesn't.

The gender of a child that is created is nothing short of a crap-shoot. It's a fifty-fifty chance that the baby is going to be a boy or a girl. Unless you're one of those assholes who wants a "designer" baby. Blond hair, blue eyes, male. You play God, I sincerely hope you end up with a 4'5" boy who is infertile, hideous, covered with warts and bad acne and half-bald.

Seriously.

Back to my point. Gender is a crap-shoot. So, it can be wrong. The brain and the soul in that particular body could very well belong to a woman, but end up in a man's body.

Who are we to say that someone really is or is not a woman?

If someone believes that they are a woman, and, goes through the tedious and painful process of getting a sex change, should we not respect that decision, that voyage? Why should we not welcome them into the very folds for which they fought to get into?

This all goes back to my earlier point about validation through degradation. Why must we feel compelled to step on someone as a point of entrance to the rest of the world? Must the oppressed become the oppressor, if even for a moment?

2006-08-21T19:48:00.000-05:00

It's about fucking time....

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

August 21, 2006

Michigan Women's Music Festival

Ends Policy of Discrimination

Against Trans Women

HART, MICHIGAN - The Michigan Women's Music Festival began admitting openly trans (transgender/transsexual) women last week, bringing success to a longstanding struggle by trans activists both inside and outside the festival.

"Seeing trans women inside the festival for the first time brought me to tears," said Sue Ashman, who attends the festival every year. "It's restored my faith in women's communities."

Organizers of Camp Trans, the annual protest across the road from the festival, say that every year at least one trans woman at Camp Trans walks to the festival gate with a group of supporters, explains that she is trans, and tries to buy a ticket.

In past years, the festival box office has produced a printed copy of the policy and refused.

"This time, the response was, 'cash or credit?'" said Jessica Snodgrass, a Camp Trans organizer and festival attendee who spent the week reaching out to supporters inside the fest. "They said the festival has no policy barring any woman from attending."

Camp Trans will partner with a group of supporters inside the fest next year to establish an anti-transphobia area within the festival. Representatives from Camp Trans and A group of festival workers and attendees, organizing under the name "The Yellow Armbands," plan to educate people on trans issues and provide support to trans and differently gendered women.

Festival attendees have worn yellow armbands for the past three years as a symbol of pro-trans inclusion solidarity.

It's about damn time.

When I read this email, it brought tears to my eyes. For 15 years, the organizers of the Women's Fest refused to acknowledge trans-women. I remember reading stories about how these women would stand outside the front gate, initially getting booed, being jeered at, having stuff thrown at them, even dealing with counter-protests.

I've been following this since I was 20. Every time a friend of mine told me that she was going, no, let me re-word that, every time a woman-born-woman friend of mine would tell me she was going, I would ask her if she was aware of this discriminatory policy.

They either didn't care or agreed with it.

**************************************************************

When I was younger, this bothered me simply because it seemed like discrimination, point blank. I made this a black-and-white issue because that's how I saw things then.

Now that I'm a little older, wiser and more involved in LGBT rights, I see all the gray of this issue. Yes, it is still discrimination, but, it's not just the act itself I see, but, also the community that was doing it. What I see now is that the lesbian/womyn communities, two groups that have been and still are discriminated against became the ones who oppressed.

Looking back on things, it almost seems that one minority segment of a society feels compelled to discriminate against another on the path to its validation. It's a cycle I don't understand. You would think that one would want allies in the fight for their cause, not create enemies in the process.

Well, either way, this news is joyful and has put a big smile on my face and tears in my eyes.

I'll be getting to my whole "vacation" post soon, I promise.

2006-08-19T22:09:00.000-05:00

Hello there, sexy!

Yes, I do love my new PC, thank you very much.

It's sexy-sexual. Sexy-sexy-sexual.

Yeah, I like it.

Combined with my other new toy, my digital camera, I should be soon amazing you with my mediocre photography and banal musings.

There will be no porn. Get over it.

I so need to girlfriend. Seriously.

2006-08-19T00:20:00.000-05:00

Why yes, I am still alive!

I'll be posting later on today, after work.

I was on vacation last week. You would think that I would have updated this thing.

Nope.

My f&#king computer was on the fritz. I couldn't even get the damn thing past the windows screen.

So, now, I am typing this quick note on my brand new HP Pavilion Slimline PC, while viewing these words on my brand new monitor, while still in pain and anger that this new $1000 system was the reason why I had no f%*king money to spend at the Bristol RenFair this past weekend.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I do have pics. And a little souvenir that cost me $180 total. I was able to buy that much.

2006-07-18T22:38:00.000-05:00

People, this is a long one...

Sheesh, the end of June and beginning of July are busy for me. Very busy.

First the Dyke March (bottom) and the Pride Parade (top).

Then a breather.

Then meetings, prepping for more actions.

Then a flurry of phone calls and emails.

Then there was Sunday morning. Actually, more like Sunday afternoon.

I rented a Jeep Liberty for the weekend, mostly to provide transportation to Crystal Lake.

You see, the rowing competition for the Gay Games were being held there, and, anti-gay bigots had unsuccessfully attempted to interfere with the permits that needed to be obtained to hold the competition. Some Crystal Lake and Lakewood residents were stunned by the presence of these gay-bashers, acknowledging that most of the people at the council meetings were not even from the area.

My group felt it was necessary to have a "gay-positive" presence there, since for some reason, the organizers did not even attempt to bring one themselves. The rowing event would have been a great opportunity for groups such as PFLAG to introduce themselves and break down some, if not many, of the mis-conceptions that people have about gay people, but for some reason, they didn't.

What was good though, was the fact that overall, we were well received. Almost all of our interactions were very positive. There were several members of both town's boards actually walked up to us and not only thanked us for being out there, but apologized for the anti-gay presence, saying that they were shocked that anti-gay bigots protested against the permits being given in the first place. Turns out they didn't recognize those people as their neighbors; they didn't recognize them at all.

Ouch.

When we finally got out there, it turns out that once again, we were screwed by the cops. There were several bible thumpers who were allowed to preach their craptacular interpretations of the bible for over an hour. All of a sudden, we show up with our banner and our flags, we get five minutes, and then we're told to go to the "free speech zone".

A zone that is about three blocks over from the front entrance to the rowing races.

It wasn't all that bad of a place, actually. Turns out we ended up getting the spot on the corner that you had to turn in front of to get to the parking lot. Fun stuff.

Overall, we received many car honks of approval, many thumbs up, a lot of people walked up to us and thanked us personally, some even shook our hands and took pictures of us. That was amazing.
But you and I both know that a gay positive message can't get shown without some bigots getting upset about it. Of course.

What concerns me is how much more aggressive and brash these bigots are getting. Some of these people hauled off and bee-lined directly for our area, stopping only within inches of us. It's as if the religious right and their puppet Bush have given these bigots carte-blanche to attack us, to physically charge at us, to intimidate us.

Well, it didn't work that day, boys and girls.

We had to deal with several "Christians" that day.

Now, help me refresh my memory here........

Point #1
Jesus Christ, so long as I can remember, fought against organized religion. He fought against temples, since they cost money to join and maintain your membership in them. Christ felt that people should be able to worship God, irregardless of wealth or stature within society.
Christ went to the people and invited them to hear His word; He did not force His beliefs on others. He did not rally against the machine of politics, although it was used to destroy Him. He spoke against it, but, He did not turn the people against it. He preached in homes, by lakes and on hills and the sides of mountains. HE DID NOT PREACH IN A CHURCH.

Point #2
The lessons of the bible are written as complete stories, not singular verses to be pulled out of context, manipulated to fit the needs of a single man. People have made the conscious decision to either decide that one of God's many laws is "more important" than the others, or, they have chosen to simply let someone else tell them that. Ignorance is bliss, but, Christ sought the truth.

Point #3
We're not in Canaan anymore people. Sit on that one.

Now, on to the rest of the story......

We had to deal with typical ignoramus "Christians" who kept quoting the bible, particularly the verses of Leviticus that "outlaw" homosexuality. Actually, the bible says nothing about homosexuality; it just says that a man shall not lie with a man as he does with a woman. It mentions nothing about a woman lying with a woman as with a man, which means that God is down with lesbians baby! WOOHOO!

I'm serious about that. If lesbianism was such a crime, I think that God would have said something about it. Seriously. I'm not interpreting the bible, I'm taking what it says literally. Just like you do.

While we're at it, why don't we talk about the other rules, like, say, about not eating shellfish, husbands not sleeping in the same bed as their wives while they are having their period, or even in the same house for that matter, wearing poly/cotton blends and touching the skin of dead animals. Oh, and let's not forget about that whole adultery being punishable by death deal. What about having sex with animals? That shit is punishable by death too, and, I don't hear you morons clamoring around that crap. Nice of you to decide which one of God's Laws to obey.

My personal favorite was a "Christian" woman in a mini-van. Here's how it went down...

Her "Excuse me, I'm a Christian."
Me "Okay"
Her "So, as a Christian, if I said that homosexuality is wrong and against the bible, am I a bigot?"
Me "No. You are entitled to your opinions. My problem is when you think that your religious opinions should become civil law."
Her "But it's God's Law."
Me "I understand that, but, it doesn't mean that it should become civil law."

At this point, another member of my group got into a shouting match with her, and, a few moments later, she was being ordered by a cop to turn her vehicle onto the main road. She kept shouting something, but, I simply yelled back at her;

"Sweetie, you might want to have some consideration for your fellow man and move your car. Go on, be respectful of your fellow man. Just like the bible says."

It's fun stuff being someone that can actually meet these people toe to toe. They just don't like it.

After all of this, we ended up going out for some awesome Thai food. It was amazing. It's actually better than the stuff we get after my group's monthly meetings. Hot damn, it was really good.

All and all, it was a good day.

2006-07-10T21:38:00.000-05:00

No, I have not forgotten about my blog. I've had an interesting several weeks, and, I've been trying to catch up on my sleep debt.

I'll get to this, I promise.

2006-06-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone

My promotion at work has kept me very busy for the past week, and, it looks like I'll be going without a day off until the 22nd, two days before the Pride Pararde.

But I wanted to post this very quickly until then.

Welcome to George Bush's AMERIKA (courtesy of an listserv I belong to)

Book Burning Lives during Gay Pride month

Friends,

Some time around or just after 12:30 p.m. today (Tuesday) person or persons unknown started a fire in the Gay and Lesbian (GLBT) book collection of the John Merlo branch of the Chicago Public Library at 644 W. Belmont.

The fire destroyed about 100 gay books, mostly fiction, and damaged others, some of which appear to be the only ones in the entire Chicago Public Library system.

The gay specialist reference librarian who curates the collection is currently taking an inventory of what is no longer usable.Police and fire departments have been brought in as well as senior library personnel.

At this point, we do not have any more information. We hardly need to point out the implications (and tradition) of book burning, of attacks on gays and gay symbols, and that the Merlo branch library goes out of its way to be gay friendly.

It is Gay Pride month, less than two weeks until the Gay Pride parade.

Some readers may recall a Chicago Free Press article and commentary column about the gay collection last March.

But remember boys and girls, the gay bashers don't hate us! They love the sinner, but, hate the sin.

Blah, blah, blah..........

If you happen to have any info on this situation, please feel free to email me at LatinLez@gmail.com.

Don't get any ideas to send hate mail and crap like that; it's an email account I don't use all the time.

Latin

2006-06-03T20:02:00.000-05:00

Drum roll, please.......

I have several things on my "to do" list for today. One of them is to pound out emails to several women, one of whom will get priority. Uh, don't get excited, it's to Deb's kinda-sorta-maybe-could be-should be-might not be girlfriend. The other three are to women that I've been chatting with. Those might take a back seat, though.

The second thing is this post.

I've been mulling over in my head how to begin to convey all of this mess, but, all that effort has resulted in nothing more than a head-ache, although I was able to get three loads of laundry done.

So, I'll just shoot from the hip here, and, do the best I can.

So, the woman that I previously mentioned and I finally met last weekend. In hindsight, it was a disaster from the get-go. Up until the moment that we met, she was confident and sure of herself. She could speak to me effortlessly and freely. She had no problem conveying her attraction to me, whether it be by email, TM or phone. Several of her TMs as well as her last email to me were very suggestive.

But that all changed when she walked through the door.

The woman who walked in was quiet, reserved, withdrawn, soon to become distracted and indifferent.

The ride to her place was one of the most uncomfortable I have ever been on. Understand that I had taken countless numbers of rides with my brothers, the three of us stuck in the back seat of what was then my dad's 1988 Chevy Beretta (it became mine in 1997 when my dad gave me the title as a graduation gift from college; that's a whole other story), driving all the way down to Mexico City and back again. THAT was unbearable and uncomfortable. So, I'd like to think that I have a pretty good gauge of what's uncomfortable and what's not, you know?

Now, she takes care of a woman who has MS, and, has for years; I give her credit where credit is due. I don't think that I would have that much dedication for a total stranger, so, she has a love for people that I certainly don't. I certainly don't hate people, I work retail for pete's sake, but, she has something I don't.

The entire time I was there, it felt like she was avoiding me altogether. I knew fully well that she had a patient to take care of, but, we spoke for maybe an hour's worth of time while I was there. It seemed like her friends were making a better effort to include me in their conversations than she was.

We spoke for a longer period of time while she was driving me back; it was almost as if she felt bad for me and wanted to talk to me out of sympathy more than anything else. As Deb put it, it was like she was glad I was going home, and, expressed her excitement via conversation.

I sent her a TM saying that I wanted to talk to her about what happened. She repsonded saying that she would call me the next day. Unfortunately, my frustration and disappointment would let me wait that long, so, I send her an email.

In the email, I expressed all of my frustration, anger and hurt. I was disappointed, hurt and shocked, to say the least.

I checked my email the next day, via my cellphone, and, found her response. She said that she was hurt by my email, so hurt that she couldn't talk to me.

I don't know how she could have been hurt, considering the fact that she showed absolutely no emotion while I was there, and, seemed to have made it a point to make sure I didn't physically come into contact with her.

So, what would you think?

I asked this of both my best friend, and, my therapist. They both had the same answer; that she didn't want me there. She didn't like me, and, there was no attraction at all.

So, a few days later, we finally chat; again, she said that she was too hurt to talk to me on the phone, so, I had to settle for an online conversation.

I let her tell me her side first. It turns out that having me over at her place was a huge step for her, as she was wary after her previous relationship to let someone in, both physically and emotionally. That I would have understood, had she told me. I asked her why she didn't tell me how big of a step this was for her; her response was that I should have asked. I told her that I wasn't a mind reader, and, once again, she said that I should have asked.

I don't think that I was that far off the mark to assume that my being there wouldn't be that huge an issue for her considering the fact that she invited me. She kept saying that she was "processing" everything. I even asked her what she was processing while I was there, and, the answer I got was "everything, you know".

Gee, that helps.

While she was getting her story out, all I typed back to her was the word "okay". Over and over again I put that out there to show her that I wanted to get her side of things before I said anything. I even asked her if she was finished before I began.

As I was getting my side of things out, she kept interjecting, kept putting in her two cents before I could even finish a sentence. She passed judgment before even I got the chance to finish my thoughts. There was even a point that she started using the word "fuck". It's not the word that bothers me; any of you who read my blog constantly knows that. It's the fact that I made the effort to be civil and proper, and, she couldn't even return the favor.

Yeah, it was an emotional conversation; that could not have been avoided. But I'd like to at least see someone make the effort to show the same level of respect that I do.

At one point, she even had the nerve to imply that I was a slut for asking for something as simple as a hug. Wow, I was shocked at that, and, at the same time grateful that I found this out now, before I really got involved with her.

Towards the end, she made me an offer.

She said to me that she wanted to start over again, for us to start again, but, with a catch. She said to me that she would not tell me how she felt or what she thought about me before we met in person.

So, I asked her this..."So, let me get this right....you want withhold emotions and feelings from me as punishment?"

Response....... "You're punishing yourself. You did this to yourself."

Really???? She can't communicate her feelings and emotions, and that's my fault???? Not only is that crap, but, she's a hypocrite. During our phone conversations, she was talking about her concerns with intimacy and my not being able to convey my feelings. I agreed with her on those things, but, when you ask those things of a person, and, can't do that thing yourself, hypocrite is the term that comes to mind.

I kept that to myself though. I asked the same question in a different manner, one that would not give her an avenue to insult me and blame me for everything, including her own flaws.

"So, you want to be my friend, and, hold this 'rabbit's foot' over my head as something that I will never attain? Like a pot of gold that I'll never get?"

No response.

At that point, I let her know about my decision, the decision that I had already made before we even chatted.

I told her that I did not want to be her friend, and, certainly did not want to be her girlfriend, knowing that I wasn't getting all of her.

We parted ways, and, I told her that I would send her a money order for all the stuff she bought for me, for my part of dinner Friday night, and gas.

****************************************************************

So, what's the real reason why I didn't want to be her friend?

It's simple really.

If I had agreed to her "terms", I would have put her in a position to do to me what her ex did to her.....withhold emotions, thoughts and feelings. Her ex treated her like shit, cheated on her several times, never communicated with her and, took way too much advantage for her. I wanted to be different for her because I am different. I wanted the chance to show her that. But if someone doesn't give me that chance, it's their loss in the end, not mine.

*****************************************************************

I wash my hands of this fiasco, but, not the lessons that I can learn. Together, we worked on breaking down my walls a little bit, and, it has the potential to make me a better person, based on what I do with the lesson. It will be tough, and, will involve a lot of conscious effort on my part, but, as long as I know which way to go, I'm usually pretty good about getting there.

That much I will be grateful to her forever for.

It's time for bed now. Retail still sucks, but, it pays the bills.

2006-06-01T20:22:00.000-05:00

Your regularly scheduled post has been pre-empted by stuff and things. Check back on Saturday, when I have time to write the damn thing. Hugs and kisses to you all.

2006-05-31T20:55:00.000-05:00

So, if you're wondering what the last post was about....I'll explain tomorrow.

2006-05-27T21:35:00.000-05:00

Clearing of the head....clearing of the head....

It's a good time to try again....at least that's what the bottle cap said.....

5/28/06

You know what? I'm not going to re-hash this thing. I've gone over it in my head way too many times for my own good. I'm done thinking about this.

*Note to self - when a woman that you've been talking to on the phone invites you to her place, make sure that before you say "yes", you clarify what her intentions are. Don't assume anything, even if some of the phone conversations were slightly sexually suggestive, don't assume anything. Ever.*

***************************************************************

Once again, my dear friend Deb came in to save the day.......

"I thought that this would be right for you.....you deserve something right for you......you're ready, and, it's time..."

I love you to death! I am so lucky to have you for a friend......

2006-05-15T21:50:00.000-05:00

There's no title here. Not one that I can think of anyway...

In case you're wondering why I haven't posted for a while, it's been because of life. I've been a bit busy, especially of late.

The past several nights have ended with phone calls from a wonderful woman. It's been a long time since I've felt a connection like this.

It almost seems to be too good to be true. It's like I'm in a sea of warm water, just under the surface.

I'm still holding my breath.

2006-05-04T14:01:00.000-05:00

Things I should really do.....

I really should click on the links on my sidebar every so often to make sure that they are still valid.

Turns out that the QW! is kaput.

From an outsiders point of view, I guess that life caught up with them. It somehow seems to find all of us, eventually.

So, in loving memory.......

Peace Out You Sexy Bitches!!!!

I'll be back later....

2006-04-27T19:35:00.000-05:00

I've been a little busy.

Sorry about the lack of posts.

Been occupied. Mostly by mundane requests of my new store manager (ironed pants only at work from now on) and my mom's bankruptcy.

She should have done this a while ago, but, there's no going back to fix it. It has to be done NOW.

I've purchased a few CDs (10) and a few DVDs (20 or so) that should keep me occupied for the next several weeks or so.

Several CDs I do highly recommend;

iMogen Heap - Speak for Yourself
Damien Rice - O
She Wants Revenge

I also bought the latest Ultra Dance 7, Natasha Beddingfield, Pussycat Dolls, Midnight Soul 3 and Rihanna. Strange thing about the Rihanna; I opened it up to find two copies of the album inside the paper sleeve, not just one. Deb will be getting this copy, so, don't ask me for it.

I've been chatting it up with several women, and, for the most part, the chats have been going well, until I tell them where I work. Then nothing. Silence. Not even a "hey, it was nice talking to you, but, I'm not interested anymore".

I would have understood why, really. Someone who works retail isn't the most attractive person in the world, because most people think I make shitty money. I don't really. For being a line-level person, I make as much as some supervisors in my store. Not bad, huh?

I think it's time for me to leave, to get out. If not out of this store, then out of the company. This next statement might give away where I work, but, I'm safe as long as I don't say the name.

The recent, very public, changes have got me thinking, "Where can I go from here? Where is there to go from here?" Many of the positions that store managers were gunning for are now gone. Why?

Because the greedy bastards on top would rather fire people than take a salary cut to make the whole company look good. How many fuckin' yachts do you need people? What, you can't drive yourselves to work, lazy asses? Do we really need a company plane? Where does it end?

What the company did not take into account is the recent purchases of buying offices in China, and the hiring of staff to occupy those offices. Did they think it was going to be free or something?

I will never understand people's indifference and ignorance. Never.

2006-04-17T20:34:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, I know. I've been busy with stuff and things, shit that gets thrown at you, big rocks that you have to eventually climb over, even if with nothing more than bare feet and blistered hands.

I'm safe for now, but, I sense a change coming, something that may even change me.

But for now....

Which tarot card am I?

You are the Sun card. The light of the Sun reveals all. The Sun is joyful and bright, without fear or reservation. The childish nature of the Sun allows you to play and feel free. Exploration can truly take place in the light of day when nothing is hidden. The Sun's rays fill you with energy so that you may live life to its fullest, milking pleasure out of each day. Such joy and energy can bring wealth and physical pleasure. To shine in the light of day is to have confidence, to soak up its rays is to feel the freedom of a child.

Courtesy of quizilla.com.

I can never copy and paste that shit right.

2006-04-04T20:11:00.000-05:00

A little behind the times.....

So, a few days ago, I finally bought a copy of the Davinci Code to keep.

Why did it take me so long?

It wasn't available in paperback, so, I never bought it. Until now.

I have to check and see if any of the Harry Potter books are in paperback. If they are, I'll buy them. If not, then I'll wait.

Seriously, I can't stand hardcovers, unless they are books that I will read time and time again. Kinda like my Tanith Lee Books. I currently have her "Secret Books of Paradys" in hardcover, and, I plan on buying her "Books of the Dead" series, along with her "Books of Venus" series. I think that her "Paradys" series should be made into shorts; I believe they are that damn good.

I will be flat broke come Friday, since I will have to buy both Brokeback Mountain and Chronicles of Narnia on DVD. I've already purchased the DVD reissues of "9 to 5" and "Blue Thunder". The new Rainer Maria CD is out, and, I'll have to pick up Damien Rice's CDs, since I just saw him on PBS, and, the guy's brilliant.

Flat broke.

I recently started up a membership at a dating website again, and, I'm currently chatting it up with three different women. I don't know where any of this is going to go, so, I'll just see what happens.

It's not that I'm looking for a girlfriend, I'm more so focusing on expanding my friendship circle, and seeing what happens from there.

So, yeah, that's it for me.

2006-03-27T21:12:00.000-06:00

You know how there are certain things you shouldn't treat as toys.....

Guns.
Knives.
Bombs.
Cars.
Grenades.
Dynamite.
Combustable chemicals.

And the like.

Well, you can add my cell phone to that list.

I just got my bill.

All $191.40 of it.

I'm going to go scream now.

Have a nice day.

2006-03-23T14:10:00.000-06:00

The joys of vacation......

Ah, I've been on vacation this week.

So far, I've done absolutely nothing. Just as one should on vacation.

My birthday was on Tuesday. I celebrated 33 years on this earth.
This was the first year that I did not feel a year older.
That could be a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know yet.

I did start my vacation on a very high note. That's the reason why the pics are up; I joined in the big Anti-War march this past Saturday. It was electric...I loved it. Being in the midst of 7,000+ souls who felt the same way I did, it was great.

One thing that I wish to clarify is this; we will not make the same mistake that our predecessors made in the Vietnam War. We do not support the war, but, we support the soldiers! We want them here at home, on American soil. We want them to protect us on the very place that makes sense...American Land!

We know that our soldiers were sent ill equipped into this mess, and sent without a plan, other than lip service from Der furor, George Bush.

I have finally finished cleaning up my bedroom, including several shopping bags filled with papers, cards, bills, notes, etc that all needed a home or dumping into the trash. I've cleaned every inch of my room, including floor boards and door frames. It's the most organized my room has been in a long time.

Pity, since I have the strangest feeling that I won't be staying here after August. I don't think that my landlord will my lease, and, if he does, he'll ask for something outrageous like $1200 a month. The reason why I say that it's outrageous is because the going rate for a two bedroom apartment around here is $900 a month. Already we (my mom & I) pay $1000 a month, plus $75 a month for the parking space.

I don't know how much he paid for this place, but, I'm sure that he got shafted. Then again, many people got their hopes up when the monstrosity (the big, ugly condo building that is two blocks away from my place). was finally completed. They figured that property values would go up, and, landlords in turn would be able to charge higher rents.

Nope.

The monstrosity was completed a year behind schedule, and, refunds were given to all of the people who had purchased units.
Now the thing sits there, and only 4 units out of 15 are sold. The asking price is anywhere from $40K to $75K higher than the original asking prices.
And the landlords are screwed.
It still takes landlords months to find a new tenant for a vacant apartment; there are three empties just on my block alone right now. During the summer, it's worse. You'll see five or six empties for several months before the landlords have to settle for whoever is willing to sign a lease in the fall.

I think my landlord is an idiot. Then again, I've met many book-smart people who just seems to lack the most common sense.

God help him if any town inspector comes to take a look at this place. He's screwed if they see the basement.

2006-03-14T18:48:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I heard about the recall on the MAGENTA Razr phone.

I'm not sending mine off, since it's working just fine. Like I'm going to send it, simply because they tell me to.

Last Tuesday evening, at about this time, I received a phone call from my brother (the irrensponsible one) that my abuelito passed away.

I didn't have the money or the time to go to his funeral in Mexico (probably Mexico City).

That fucking hurt.

I was shocked to see so many people marching this past Friday against the new immigration bill, and as a Mexicana, overjoyed. If I wasn't so mired in misery, I would have called off work and joined them.

2006-03-04T17:25:00.000-06:00

I have a new toy! A V3 RAZR!

I don't know why Cingular thinks this is pink...THIS IS MAGENTA!!! Verizon has the pink one.

Is it not great?

Is it not wonderful?

Is it not sexy?

Okay, maybe that last question is a bit much.

I'm usually not so superficial or materialistic, but, I saw this and decided that I must have it.

So, after waiting for almost a month for my store to get it, we finally did. I had to harrass the guy in that department to get it out and get it going. The easy part was getting it activated; all that involved was giving the ESN to my cell provider and transferring the SIM card.

The hard part was putting this thing down. It's now about 5:30 in the afternoon, and, I've finally stopped shopping for images and ringtones to download. I've been doing that since 7pm last night.

My next cell phone bill is going to be soo fucking huge. Coupled with the almost $400 I spent buying the phone, accessories and a service plan, I should have sufficient cause for several heart attacks.

It should be against the law (or cheaper) to have this much fun with a cell phone, unless you're having phone sex.

Nah, that's not really that much fun either.

2006-02-22T20:29:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I'm Alive...

I know I haven't posted here for a while.

It certainly is not for lack of time. I have time. It's not from lack of activity or goings-on in my world. I've got that too.

Sitting here, waiting for the posting screen to show up, I realized something.

For the first time in my life, I planned out a part of my time. I made a schedule for myself, created goals, and, reached them. I had roadblocks that were both put in front of me and that I put there, and, now I've gotten past them.

I've never done that before. It shocked the shit out of even me.

I'm debt-free.

In the past several weeks, I've gone and opened a savings account, got a check back from the trustee's office (not for as much as I had expected), and, get this......I already have a credit card!

It's not secure, and, the limit is much higher than I expected. WOO HOO!

There is a dark side to all of this......

The number of "pre-approved" credit card letters I've received in the mail. Just as you get out of the hole, they try to help you dig back into it again.

I said yes to one, and, it will remain only one. I've ripped up the others in anger and disgust, mostly because I'm on the rag right now, and, had anger to vent.

Yeah, I did splurge a bit earlier this week, but, it's not anything I can't pay off with my check on Friday.

********************************************************

It was funny.

Late last week, when I got the credit card in the mail, I sat down and pondered about all the things that I could buy now, that I couldn't before. More expensive clothes, nicer shoes, maybe a larger TV for my room, a XBox 360, ordering dinner out for a week, etc.

I went out with D on Friday night, and, after talking to her for a while, and, I realized something. There is something that I need to buy, and, soon.

For some time now, my mom has spent several hundred dollars fixing flat tires on her car. We recently discovered the source of her dilemma; she needs new rims. The ones on her car are rusting, and, that rust is beginning to shred the tires she has on now.

Now, considering the fact that I do drive the car around on weekends (for the most part), and, my mom lets me have it for any spur of the moment grocery shopping I may want to do, it's only fair that I help out every so often with the car expenses.

So, I'm going to do something that needs to be done...new rims!!!

My impulse buying can wait for a while.

That was mature, wasn't it?

2006-02-13T21:11:00.000-06:00

What did I do?

Guess what I did on Saturday?

C'mon.......guess!

Okay........

You don't really have to guess, just click.

2006-02-07T16:18:00.000-06:00

The guy in the green sequined cowboy suit rides again!

I know, it's a long title.

I talked about the mystery of this guy with D.

Her interpretation of my dream was this; she felt that the color symbolized money, and that the sequins were "gaudy" meaning that it was symbolic of me wanting to purchase a car. She couldn't figure out why the ex was in it.

She then finished this by saying, "Then again, I could just be blowing smoke up your ass."

We both laughed.

Well, I don't think she was doing it intentionally.

Since I woke up from the dream and felt better, it didn't really matter who was wearing what.

2006-02-04T19:30:00.000-06:00

We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Donkey.

Let the shit hit the fan.........

2006-02-02T21:00:00.000-06:00

This or that?

My mom always seems to find a way to bitch about my buying habits, in particular, my DVD/CD buying habits. Like the fact that I buy them at all.

She's been bitching for years now, and, you'd think she would gotten the hint after a few years of seeing me continue to buy stuff, even after her griping.

But, no. She still nags and nags.

So, several years ago, I decided to change my strategy. I needed to shake things up a bit, to throw her off guard.

"I wish you wouldn't buy so many movies; you need to save for a new car."

"Okay, so, would you rather I buy DVDs, or crack-cocaine?"

Nothing.

She just stood there in silence, shocked by the suggestion of illegal drugs.

"Hmph."And she walked away.

I changed up the choices, going along the gambit of illegal drugs, but, the reaction was always the same.....silence.

I understand that these drugs are not to be taken lightly, after all, a drug is a drug, and, addictions can be dangerous, no matter how "recreational" a drug might be perceived to be, but, at the same token, there are far worse evils than buying a DVD or two once a week.

But, she never did and still doesn't see it that way. To her, it's just wasted money. Granted, this is the same woman who goes to garage sales for no reason and nearly tackles her boyfriend trying to get the better deal.

Bargain bin, my mom's there digging. 70% off sale, my mom finds something.

This habit has resulted in a closet full of nothing that fits, since she buys under the philosophy of "I'll lose weight and be able to fit into it".

My DVDs don't have to lose weight to fit into the DVD player. My CDs don't get too old for my CD player, no matter how new it is. The only danger they suffer is the day that I decide that I don't want them anymore, and, go to either trade them for something else, or, sell them for cash. That's it.

The clothes in my closet all fit, and, I have either worn them or wear them now, all within the last six months.

I know that I need a car, but, who's really blowing their money here?

2006-01-24T19:44:00.000-06:00

They killed Donkey!

You Bastards!

Happy 100th, Weebl and Bob!

My crappy manager gave his two weeks notice.

You can't leave fast enough, fat-ass!

2006-01-22T21:32:00.000-06:00

You know what they say......

In the middle of my session with my therapist yesterday, I told her about a dream that I had the night before.

I was in an apartment that the ex and I had rented together (we never got anywhere near that point in real life, but, hey, it's a dream people), and, the ex was finishing up his packing and collecting the last of his stuff. I don't know why he was leaving, since I'm sure that he probably would have expected me to be the one to leave for real, but, I wasn't alone in this place.

Apparently, I had already moved on and was seeing someone else, and, this person was with me while the ex was leaving. We were just standing and talking and laughing, and, the ex was obviously agitated by this, and, loudly dumped his last three boxes on top of each other, swore at them and walked out, slamming the door. I was also kinda thrown for a loop because the person I was with was a guy, and for some reason, he was wearing a green cowboy outfit with sequins.

"Did you wake up after this dream?"

"Yep."

"How did you feel when you woke up?"

"I felt relieved. I felt like this weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was happy."

"You know, they say that when you have a dream before a session with your therapist, it usually is a resolution of a problem or conflict."

I genuinely felt alot better when I woke up...for about five seconds. Then I realized I had to go to the bathroom.....

Do not ask me to explain the green sequined cowboy outfit. It's a fucking dream, people.

2006-01-16T20:08:00.000-06:00

Hot News!!!! Hot right off the press!! Hot news!!!

01.13.06

Friday the 13th. Traditionally a bad day, a bad omen.

Not so for me.

On this day, I received a copy of a letter sent by the Trustee's office informing the payroll department of my employer to cease garnishing payments for my Chapter 13!

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I celebrated by finally having dinner with D at Outback Steak House (my treat). We went to see Hoodwinked after that. It's about the "real" story behind the tale of Red Riding Hood. It was pretty funny, and, the best part was that the kids that were at the showing were a little older, so, there weren't any random babies crying in the middle of the film.

My newest addiction is Crunchy Cheetos. I buy them by the bag, and, said bag is usually gone by the end of the day. I'm sick, I know.

2006-01-05T16:45:00.000-06:00

You know......

I was going to finally put something here.....but then I caught the stomach flu.

Kicked in sometime Monday night.....

Made me vomit in the shower Tuesday morning before work.....

Made me throw up my breakfast and then some at work.....

Made me leave work two hours early on Tuesday morning......

Made me too sick to work Wednesday morning....

Still recovering from it today, and, I apparently gave it to my mom.......

Fucking sucks......

You're a punk-ass bitch, stomach flu!

2005-12-12T13:31:00.000-06:00

Ho, ho, ho!

Hey! Who you callin' a ho?

Alas, I now have time to sit and give you an update on all of the goings-on in my life the past several weeks.

I now have the time because I'm back in my old department, without a pay cut. I'll explain later.

The prep for "Black Friday" was enormous. We got in three shipments that were nothing but trailers filled to the brim. You would cut the seal, push the door up, and, shit would fall out.

While my department was on their shit, the music area fell apart quickly. The majority of the tenured employees left for greener pastures, opportunities available to them courtesy of the "entitlement generation" backlash, and, never had time to teach the new employees what they needed to know.

On top of that, they were back-logged at least two warehouse shipments, and, a ton of drop shipments. It was scary.

Towards the last few days before Thanksgiving, both me and my (former) supervisor were diving into the music area to help out. Scary.

Both Black Friday and Saturday were hectic, as we had expected, and, wouldn't you know it, we began to run out of supplies, like toilet paper, paper towels and garbage bags. Someone didn't have enough brains to say..."Hey, maybe we should order extra so that we don't run out!"

But that would be too easy.

The week after, I was slowly doing more and more music stuff. Last Friday, I was asked to step back into my old department. I told my boss that I would if my rate of pay stayed the same. I was already losing a title and bonus potential, I wasn't going to get screwed out of my pay.

They agreed.

And so, I'm now back in my old department. I kinda feel like Al Pacino in Godfather III when he says "Every time I try to get out, they always pull me back in".

Now, lets talk about Thanksgiving dinner, shall we?

To say that it was interesting is an understatement. It would have looked like a very black comedy from an outsider's point of view.

My mom and I woke up early and cleaned around the house. She did most of the cooking, while I set the table, pulled out the fancy china and utensils and glassware and the like.

By about 5pm, dinner was ready. About 5:30pm, my friend Deb came over for a bit. Sweetheart that she is, she brought 2 bottles of wine with her. They were both put to good use, just not that night. My mom and I got to catch up with her about her car and the woman she's seeing (for) now.

After about two hours, Deb left (she had to be at work at 4am), and, my mom and I cleaned up a bit before my brothers came over with our friend Tony.

Tony is a great guy. He just lost his older brother to AIDS last year, so, he's been hanging around my brothers a bit more.

I remember when I first met Tony, he had a crush on me. Go figure that now, we're both queer. Strange, life is.

There were times that Tony spent weeks at my family's old place in Chicago. His mom didn't give a rat's ass where he was, probably because of her alcoholism. She'd beat both Tony and his brother Peter when she was sober and drunk. Before they moved out on their own, they both ended up living with their maternal grandmother. Their father disowned them both because they're both gay. It's amazing that they both didn't end up on the street; a big part of that is the fact that my mom became a surrogate mother to Tony for a while. Heck, I still call him "hermanito".

On to Thanksgiving dinner.......

The three stooges (my twin brothers & Tony) showed up around 8:15pm. My brothers both had to work earlier in the day.

(I'm watching the Elton John special on NBC right now. Pretty ballsy of Elton to be covering "Pinball Wizard" right now.)

So, once we get hugs exchanged, jackets were hung in the hallway closet, and, the boys were served. We ate, talking about work, personal lives, who we were dating (for those of us that were), and the like.

Towards the end of the meal, before dessert was served, my brother E cracked a joke about how his twin will have a list of excuses this year for not having Xmas presents for anyone.

For the past four years, my brother C hasn't given anyone presents for the holiday for an array of various reasons, all of them bullshit. He's just grossly irresponsible with his money; he burns through it like water. With his last girlfriend, turns out he was sending $600 a month to her parents in Texas for a kid that's not his. Craptacular.

C decided to step on his soapbox (mind you now, he doesn't have one) and shoot back to E that "All you care about is the money. That's all that's important to you."

"That's not what's important, you idiot. You haven't given anyone presents for years now. Where is your money going? You're pissing it away, spending it on buying food out all of the time. Why? Are you so lazy that you can't cook?" I said.

"Hold, hold, hold on a minute" C said. "Why are you getting involved in this?!"

"I'm getting involved because it's true, and, you don't have a leg to stand on. How much money has Mom borrowed to you in the past year? Then you have the nerve to show Mom some $170 piece of crap for your car, knowing damn well how much you owe her! I don't give a shit if you ever give me presents ever again, as long as you pay Mom back!" I said.

"You know what, shut the fuck up!"

"Don't you talk to me like that!"

"Shut the fuck up, okay. I don't want to fucking hear it."

"Hey, you know what? If you don't like it, GET OUT! This is my house! Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!"

"This isn't your fucking house."

"My name is on the lease isn't it? This is where I live. If you don't like it, LEAVE! No one is stopping you."

"SHUT UP!"

"I'll shut up when you grow up. I'll shut up when you pay Mom back the hundreds of dollars you owe her. Until then, I'll open my big mouth all I want."

C got up and walked into the living room.

I turned around and said to Tony...

"Merry Christmas!"

We both laughed.

My mom and I then served dessert to everyone. Of course, C did not partake of it, which became an opportunity for Tony to have fun with him.

The dessert was cheesecake, and, it was pretty damn good too. My mom had bought it from a co-worker of hers for $20. When she first brought it home, I told her for that price, it better serve itself, 'cause I sure as hell wasn't going to do it.

Tony has his first bite, and, the games began. He uttered such stuff as;

"Mmm, mmm, this is so good."

"Mmm, better than sex."

"Boy, you don't know what you're missing."

"This is the bomb."

It put all of us into hysterics, except for C.

After C stewed in his own juices for a while, they all left.

The mom and I cleaned up around the house, and, went to bed.

I'll have more time on Thursday (my next day off) to give you all more info.

2005-11-22T23:24:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am alive.

I will give a full download in the next several days.

But, I'll leave you with this......

My former supervisor quit without notice a week ago.

And was replaced in two hours.

OUCH!

2005-11-08T19:12:00.000-06:00

It's been 7 days since my last post. 7 incredibly long fucking days.

I clocked over 50 hours last week, and, will probably clock at least 45 this week.

I ended up working six days last week, and, may or may not find myself working six days this week.

Crap.

We have two new guys that started today, and, another two or three on the way.

I am really hoping that this isn't what my holiday season is going to turn into. Seriously.

2005-11-01T21:32:00.001-06:00

I'll put something on this eventually.

Last week, I clocked over 50 hours, and, the week before 45+ hours. This week, I stand to clock about 45 hours. It's not even December yet.

I love/hate my job.

Seriously.

2005-10-21T20:29:00.000-05:00

My apologies for not posting here for days, but, I've been fighting the flu. Several days ago, I lost and have been heading to my bed every day after coming home from work.

2005-10-12T22:49:00.000-05:00

When you see a good thing.....

You buy it..............

I am so buying this when I get paid next Friday!

2005-10-11T21:04:00.000-05:00

Ay Carumba!

I can now let out a collective sigh of relief. The march is done.

I was sick Sunday, and, it really hit me yesterday. I came home last night and crawled into my room and stayed there. I fell asleep by 8:30pm and was still 10 minutes late for work this morning.

I am feeling better now, and, I'm de-congesting, which is a nasty process. If there is a better way to get rid of left-over mucus besides hacking up a lugie at the worst possible times and blowing your nose all day, I'd love to know what it is.

But, I'm off for now and headed to bed soon.

2005-10-09T18:59:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the 2005 Edition of the Matthew Shepard March!

I emc'd the first half, along with the lovely Andy Thayer. I was given a few moments to speak about my involvement with Orgullo en Accion, and, why it was formed.

I then introduced our two lovely co-chairs to speak, which they did for about 5 minutes, due to the fact that we started late.

We marched for about a half hour or so, and then finished our program.

The program went well, and, the weather was good. We featured speakers from Sangat, ProGay Philippines, Religious Coalition for the Freedom to Marry and Equal Marriage NOW!

The march was the best part, as always. I've always personally loved watching those Wrigleyville-ites get all worked up about a bunch of queers marching through their neighborhood. Last year, we had a bunch of drunk macho-ass straight guys come out of bars and try to go after us.

This year all we got were stares of disbelief, and, we actually got some applause. The last part shocked me.

Here are a few pics of us visiting Wrigleyville;

The great part was seeing my group's banner being carried in the march as well....

I got such a rush telling the group that we were headed into "Straightville". Their eyes got a little bugged out, but, nothing happened, not even the flash of middle fingers.

Overall, it was a great experience.

When I spoke, I was worried that I didn't make sense, when in fact I did. I was worried that I didn't have a point, but, I did.

I was honored to be part of such an event because of the diversity involved this year. I enjoyed the fact that we had a speaker representing the "other point of view" in the murder of Haroon Paryani.

For those of you that don't know, Haroon Paryani was the cab driver murdered earlier this year in BoysTown, with his own cab. A man named Michael L. Jackson has been charged with his murder. Mr. Jackson apparently ran over Mr. Paryani with Paryani's own cab not once, not even twice, but three times. To me, that repeated action shows intent.

To add insult to injury, or in this case, death, friends of Mr. Jackson anonymously started up a website, soliciting information from individuals as to whether they have had bad experiences with Mr. Paryani in the past. I don't care how bad your experience is with a cabbie, that doesn't justify running them over with their own cab, three times, and then striking two other cars while you're fleeing the scene.

Rumor has it that Mr. Jackson was high on Meth when he was booked. As for the site that was started by Jackson's friends, who even today are still anonymous (fucking cowards, but, then again, bigots usually are), has long since been taken down.

Bigots turn up in some of the most amazing (not in a good way) places.

Overall, life is good. I've been busy with work, and my groups. Now that the march has blown over, so to speak, things will settle a bit. Deb has found a full-time job (Go Deb!), and, things are getting better at work.

To end this entry though, I have to say this. At our very late dinner last night (at Nookies), I heard something that broke my heart, and proved that some people shouldn't be allowed to join anything. I won't say what it is because it's not public yet, but, it's still heartbreaking nonetheless.

2005-10-02T11:40:00.000-05:00

Yep, it' me.....

The past several days have included trips to BoysTown to hand out flyers for the Matthew Shepherd March this Saturday, and, meeting after meeting, with a birthday party thrown in. I'm now existing on about five hours sleep, and, I still have more flyers to hand out, but in Andersonville today.

I volunteered to print and pass out flyers for my other group, Orgullo en Accion. I'm printing them right now. On bland white paper, because it's all I have. On my high quality $37 HP printer. They're handbills, so, I still have to cut the sheets in half. woohoo

I'll go on about this stuff later, since I still have laundry to do, and, I plan on stopping off at Office Depot to make copies of the GLN flyer on colored paper.

But for now, I'd like to focus on something that I discovered, courtesy of a longtime read, Girlfag. I took a test at colorquiz.com, and got some interesting results, some valid, some not so valid. Here they are;

Your Existing Situation
Unable to exert the effort to achieve her objectives. Feels neglected, desiring greater security, warm affection, and fewer problems.

Neglected, no. Greater security, in what sense? Do I wish to find that "someone" to come home to, have children with, etc? Yes, but, I can't hurry that, and, I won't settle.

Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

Yes, I can do more, but what the test doesn't know is that I'm constantly broke until after January, when I finally get out of my Chapter 13. As for the pressure, please, I secretly love it. Pressure drives me.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Relationships rarely measure up to her high emotional expectations and her need to be made the center of things, leading to disappointment . Always has mental reservations and tends to remain emotionally isolated and unattached.
Feels cut off and unhappy because of the difficulty in achieving the essential degree of cooperation and harmony which she desires.
Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.

This was me. About five years ago, dare I even say two years ago. It's a crutch that I am trying to no longer use, and, a suffocating cocoon that I am trying to break out of.
But then again, who doesn't want to be the center of the attention of the one they love?

Your Desired Objective
Wishes to find her stimulation in a voluptuous atmosphere of sensuous luxury.

Words like "voluptuous" and "sensuous" imply femininity. Yeah, this validates God's decision to make me gay.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

There are things broken in my department that I am afraid I cannot fix; it's not that those things are "beyond" me, I just can't stand people who choose not to change. Bugs the shit out me.
But I didn't know that turning myself around and hitting the streets to put a face on gay rights was escaping into a world where "things are more nearly as she desires them to be".

Your Actual Problem #2
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.

I constantly ask for feedback from managers, supervisors and co-workers. Some of it is criticism. I've gotten over it a while ago.
Charm? I have no charm. I pride myself on being level and even-keeled in the most stressful or outrageous of situations.

I will say that it sucks that we live in the "free-est" country in the world, and can't even get our news straight. LGBT folks are being killed and beaten at an alarming and increasing rate in the country, and, we aren't even citizens. There is an entire bigoted segment of our population that thinks it has the right to degrade and demoralize us because they think we're wrong, and then turn around and say we're the ones tearing the country apart.

Our movements are being restricted by our own government, the institution sworn to uphold our freedoms. Our government has a contingency plan for a massive uprising of its own citizens, but had and still has no plan for a catastrophic event, manmade or natural.

Self protecting self.

But the people are the ones who need a moral compass.

What a bunch of bullshit.

2005-09-27T23:26:00.000-05:00

Still Here

What a difference a week and a half makes.

Well, my overnights got cut short, and, I had less than a day to force my body to flip from nightside back to dayside. I went into work last Friday with about 2 hours sleep.

We had our PI Sunday, and, we came in under budget.

I worked my first truck Monday with the crew, and, I already have to write someone up.

It's only Tuesday, and, I'm already exhausted, which is why I have not been writing here much.

Fun stuff.

2005-09-19T21:08:00.000-05:00

Oh, good Lord.......

I'm exhausted.

After working 2 10+ hour days, I came home to take a nap for an hour, and, ended up sleeping for almost 5 hours.

I now have 3 overnights (third shift in layman's terms) to look forward to. woohoo, oh yeah, whoopee.

I got trashed this past Saturday. One of the womyn's groups I'm part of hosted a picnic this past weekend, and, the D and I went. We went through a case of Triple Black, and had chips, burgers and good times.

The Orgullo en Accion site is coming along, and, it seems like I have the blessing of the committee to go ahead with an umbrella "Who We Are" statement. Some have expressed concern over the fact that I am flying solo on this, but, I have nothing looming large on my plate, so, I can handle it.

This is all I can think of right now, due to my over-heated brain, so, later folks!

2005-09-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

Ehhhhxce-lent.......

If you were wondering, why yes, I was waiting until I got my deck back.

That was a big "duh" revelation.

Oh, and, we're even now; it wasn't a "gift"....you owed me.

Some people's retorts aren't worth the pot they piss in.

And that's that.

The ex-bf and I aren't friends anymore.

We met up at the Starbuck's at the end of the yellow line, and, he gave me my deck back while bringing his new gf along.

Poor woman looked about as comfortable as a 300 pound guy sitting on a bed of nails. I made sure to look at her during our conversation to let her know that I wasn't angry at her at all. I think he probably "bullied" her into coming along for this end of the ride.

Mr. "Upper Class" was so crass that he left his car in Harvard and they ended up taking the Metra into the city. Well, me and my trashy little "middle class" upbringing would have told me to do something different.

My "middle class" self would have hopped into the car, and drove that thing all the way into the city so that I could drive my guest around and show them all of the sights (or as many as I could squeeze in) while we were visiting. I would have made sure that my guest was as comfortable as they could have been.

Then again, that's just me and my "middle class" upbringing.

But that's that. Again.

Now, for the rest of my days.

Saturday and the past several days have been unbearable to say the least. My supervisor is making it a point to either get himself fired or me fired. His sense of betrayal has been conveyed more and more openly and directly at and to me. Blaming people who don't work at the store anymore for stuff not getting done is one thing, but, yelling at me on the sales floor in front of customers is something else entirely.

Since whinny-ass bitch has decided that I am no longer welcome is his department, I am only working two days in his department next week, that's it.

I am so done.

On the good news front.......

At our last steering committee meeting for Orgullo En Accion, I volunteered to secure our site name and begin putting together some semblance of a site.

It is done!!!!

The site is up and running with some info about our next general meeting. What makes it purdy is that it's in English and Spanish. WOOHOO!!!!

I worked an overnight at work Tuesday night into Wednesday, and, ended up staying until about 2pm Wednesday afternoon.

I slept in most of Wednesday and did very little today except work on the site. I haven't even taken a shower in two days! I am so sexy!!!!!

Tomorrow it's "put shit out" day.

I cannot wait until I'm outta there!

2005-09-11T22:08:00.000-05:00

I can't elaborate much more now, since I've been doing a lot of "stewing in my own juices" since I got home from work, but, I've come to a rather startling conclusion....

My boss wants to get fired. And he knows exactly how he's going to do it.

More tomorrow.

2005-09-11T00:19:00.000-05:00

I'll keep this short because I have to. I need to head to bed soon.

The rope I alluded to some weeks ago has been cut.

Finally.

What a relief.

Details later.

2005-09-01T18:14:00.000-05:00

As my brain churns.....

I lost sleep last night over my own post. That has never happened before. It's exciting and frightening at the same time, digging away at something as core as these concepts.

No milk added some insight to my post, something that even in my state of "open-mindedness" I failed to see.

Straights are queer too. I've seen them genderfuck, cross-dress, get off on "gay" porn, etc. They can be just as queer as the next person.

On, and I could give my two cents about Katrina, but, number one, I wouldn't be telling you something that you don't already know, and, number two, I want folks to remember that these were states that voted for the continued incompetence of Bush and Associates back in 2004. Both states were red. The Bush administration did not, and, to date, still has not created a contingency plan for a massive devastation event such as what happened with Katrina. Even after 9/11!

I'm not saying that everyone in those states voted for put the monkey back in office, but, for those who did, you should not be surprised.

To all those red staters who are sending their money or heading over to volunteer time and/or resources, just remember that Bush is still smiling while doing nothing and Connie is still on vacation, probably showing off those Prada shoes she just bought today.

But, now comes part two of my post.

While my brain turned and thoughts twirled in my head, I slowly began to realize something.

I've begun to realize that I just cannot identify with the label "lesbian" anymore. It doesn't fit.

It's not that I've stopped being attracted to women; quite the opposite, really.

It's just that I'm beginning to realize that I just can't call myself a "lesbian" anymore.

I feel like, after all this time, the label is finally suffocating me. It feels like a thin, slimy layer covering my skin, stopping even the smallest part of me from breathing. What identified me years ago confines me now.

When I first came out, I came out to a group of women who had these set "rules & expectations" about who should be what, what they should be doing, wearing, etc.

I accepted these "standards" as what was "normal" within the lesbian community.

My acceptance had a lot to do with my lack of experience, both as a lesbian and as a human. After all, if you don't know what you're doing, then you usually try to find some "role models" to follow until you learn. Or, at least until you find your voice to help you learn about yourself. If that makes any sense.

As a lesbian, it almost feels like you sign a contract of sorts that says you agree to do certain things, like never act on an attraction to a man, you're supposed to "hate" men to a certain extent, that you're supposed to be either butch or femme, butches don't date butches, femmes don't date femmes, etc, etc....

It's just not ME.

It's not who I think of "me" as.

I like to think for myself, and, judge things for myself. I don't take what's fed to me for granted. I challenge authority, even in the most subtle ways. I challenge perceptions and ideals. It's not that I do it because I can , I do it because I'm compelled to.

I'm not fond of labels anymore.

I refer to myself as "lesbian" for the sake of the convenience of others, but, that's about it.

I can't turn off my attraction to men; it doesn't just simply go away.

By making this proclamation however, I'm not short-changing my sexuality; if anything, I was short-changing it by declaring myself simply "lesbian". I feel as though I had forcing myself to fit someone else's mold. I'm me, not them.

My past relationship with a man has opened my eyes to this reality. I don't consider myself "bisexual" primarily because I don't really look at men as sexual objects, usually just as potential sperm donors. I'm usually looking like, "Wow, he has great lips" or "What great hair!" or "I love his physique; with my metabolism..."

But, I digress.

I shouldn't be forced to shut down parts of me to fit a model or a role. I shouldn't have ignore my heart, body or soul to mesh with society. Why should I be forced to fit into a certain role? So that I can gain your approval? Sorry, Captain Self-centered Shitface, but, it's not your approval I seek; all I want to do is find "me" and express myself the way I want, not a way you deem acceptable.

This is the argument that the LGBT community presents to straights who actively discriminate against us. But, it's also the same view I present to them.

I knew that at some point in my life, I would have to cross this bridge; I just didn't think it would be such a task to do so. It's not that I seek accountability for my actions and choices; that's God's job. All I want is to find a place on my shelf of life-experiences to put this one. I want to make it fit, and, right now, under the label of "lesbian" it just doesn't.

So, after a lot of thought, I've come to realize that I just don't fit into the concept of "lesbian", or, maybe it's just that I've outgrown it.

A source of my dilemma is the fact that I know that there are lesbians out there who have had these same questions, and, weren't really sure what to do with them, or even how to answer them. They just simply fell back on what they knew, and, for them, that provided an answer.

For me, it does not.

Perhaps it's the label itself that bothers me. Can I try to change it? Should I? Better yet, why don't do just simply present myself as me and let those who choose to get to know "me" instead of just another "lesbian" or "queer"?

I'm afraid that no one will want to get to know me then. People are just too lazy. People require a label so that they can sort everyone to their own categories before making the effort to get to know the person behind the label.

I present interesting and very real obstacles.

But now what?

2005-08-31T19:21:00.000-05:00

The Politics of Semantics or
Differences of the Ages or
Whachoo talkin' about Willis?

I'll let you pick the title. Just read the post first.

This will be part one of two. I feel compelled to create these posts because one of the topics is the source of a dilemma that is close to me, simply because of the big personal choice I've made over the past 9 months.

Let's begin.

Last night, for almost three hours, 11 people were crammed into a small conference room with the purpose of finally coming up with a name and creating a mission/purpose statement for the Latino LGBT forum that was started up back in March of this year.

Last night, we finally did it.

FINALLY!

The intense discussion brought up two very valid points; number one, what is the definition of the word "queer", and the other being what the concept of identity is and how does each individual applies it to themselves within the LGBTQQ community.

Let's begin with number one (number two will come tomorrow).

What is the definition of the word "queer"?

To about half of the people in the room, it was just another word for "being gay".

But, to the other half, it meant something more.

I personally saw that the confusion came from the age difference of the people in the discussion.

Queer=being gay was the definition held by those 30+

Queer=something else was the definition held by those under 30.

I don't mention the fact that I saw the age difference because I'm better, I mention it because I can. You see, I work with a lot of people who are usually 25 and under, so, I believe it has given me a different perspective, and, the ability to "translate" between the age gap. I do sincerely hope that I can keep this ability, cause Lord knows I'm gonna need it when I have kids.

But, I want to look at the concept of "queer" being something bigger.

I believe that the word "queer" as much more power than many my age in the community give it.

I have seen not only the accepted definition of the word change, but, even my own perception of it.
I have come to accept the word "queer" to encompass even the most fringe, and, to some, the biggest stretches of our concepts of lesbian, gay, bi or trans.

Queer can now encompass our leatherfolk kin, men loving men, women loving women, those who genderfuck, cross-dress, BDSM folk, drags of all kinds, lesbians who get off an gay porn & sex, gays who get off an lesbian porn & sex, gays who only date men who dress up as women in public, and others I just can't name here because I either haven't heard the term yet, or, I haven't heard of the concept yet.

Even some of the terms I just used require explanation. This is why there is such a strong attachment to the word "queer".

In our society, we regard things, habits, rituals, etc that are not deemed "normal" as "queer".

Just as in the larger "normal" society, members of the LGBT community have taken a shining to things that are regarded as "normal". Let me provide a few LGBT examples.....

Lesbians only love women, so, you shouldn't "get off" on gay porn

Butches only date femmes

Femmes only date butches

Butches don't get their nails done

Femmes always "dress up"

Anything that we find that deviates from this we find to be "different", or, "queer". And sometimes not even accepted.

*****************************************************************

I know that in this passage, I'm only just working from the tip of the iceberg, but, I hope that it clarifies why there is such a need for the term "queer" in our community. There are groups that are fringe beyond fringe. I'm not saying that we all get along; it's quite the opposite, really. What I am saying is that we all exist.

I'll provide myself as an example.

I have short hair - butch

I wear women's clothes - femme

I get my eyebrows done - femme

I shave my legs - femme

I sometimes wear make-up - femme

I wear boxers - butch

I prefer men's shoes - butch

I wear men's jeans - butch

So... am I a butch or femme? Do my habits fuck with your sense of the spectrum?

Do I care about your answers?

No. If you felt compelled to answer the first question, then neither you nor the answer are important to me. I want you to know me and accept me, not shove me in whatever asinine fucking category you want to put me in.

Shoving someone in a category is much easier than getting to know them...is it human nature that compels us to do so, or just our laziness?

Part two tomorrow.

2005-08-30T14:48:00.000-05:00

Ooo, la la....

People of the blogworld, or, just those who read this...I have an announcement to make!

I had my hair cut. Not just trimmed, but cut. I had the stylist cut off a year and a half worth of hair; it was growing past my shoulders. My hair is now no longer than 2 inches in any given place.

That's a spicy meat-a-ball!

I did this Saturday, on my day off, so when I went back to work on Sunday for a meeting, and everybody had the same thing to say......

"You cut your hair!"

Talk about stating the obvious.

My raise is in full swing, and, I'm already beginning to clamp down on team members. I've already had to issue two write-ups, and, a post-up.

It's all fun stuff.

I'm off the next couple of days and have no plans to be at home for as much time as possible. I was awakened this morning by the sounds of jackhammers ripping apart sidewalk cement blocks, and, will probably find myself awakened by the same jackhammers tomorrow tearing apart the street.

All of this sudden rebuilding I suspect has something to do with the thing my mom calls the "monstrosity", also known as the three level condo place that's been being built since last year.

The company building this place has shut down a major access street near my house so many times I've lost count. They've also torn up that same street so many times that I can't count those either. More recently, they've needed to actually dig up the entire street for a solid block all the way down to the sewage pipes.

To say that this has inconvenient is an understatement; it's been a pain in the ass. Too boot, it's a three story building, which requires a special rather expensive permit from my town. Three story buildings are not common where I live; I personally live in only one of five for a three block stretch of my street.

All this noise will definitely drive me to the city for the next several days, as I am headed there tonight for a meeting.

So, I guess to make amends for the fuss, the company is sponsoring sidewalk resurfacing, and, our street being redone as well.

Nice.

Yep, you would think I still lived in Chicago........

2005-08-26T23:47:00.000-05:00

I need to be quick about this, since I have a session with my therapist tomorrow at 9am.

My day at work started shitty, but, ended on a wonderful high note.

When I logged into my "account" at work, I not only discovered that the title next to my name on the screen had changed to my new "senior" title, my pay also shot up over $2 an hour!

WOOHOO!!!

The mommie and I grabbed her bf, and she took us out to dinner to celebrate, and is letting me have her car this weekend, bitch and moan free!

YEAH!!!

I stopped off at the grocery store to get some very much needed supplies, I decided to skip on buying fast, crap food and just simply paying for my groceries. As I was walking out, I decided to put the last two dollars in my wallet into the lottery machine to buy two $1 instant tickets.

I am now up $11.

I RULE!!!

Now, my day would only be complete if I were to win that $97 million dollar lottery.

But, I shouldn't push my luck. Really.

2005-08-25T11:02:00.000-05:00

Snickle Chickenface

I've been completely uninspired to finish my last post, so, I simply deleted it.

I'll sum up the essence of it all for you.

Volunteered at Market Days with my group, the following weekend, I went to Six Flags and got the shit scared out of me five times over. I went on the Superman, the Ragin' Cajun, the Raging Bull, Deja Vu and Chubasco.

I will say that the Deja Vu was the one that scared the shit out of me the most. It's a 90 degree drop, and, gets as fast as almost 70 mph. You can do the math from there.

But this past week has been interesting, to say the least.

The new manager of Temps got canned after working there for about two months. Turns out she was opening her big mouth and bragging to other people about how she bought the place, when in fact she was just managing it. And apparently, she wasn't doing a very good job, either, since she drove away most of the usual clientele after only one week.

She brought in a crowd of younger women, which is nice to look at, but, the new younger generations tend to be a bit more frugal with their money, so, most of them already came in with a buzz going, and, didn't buy a lot of drinks.

Let me out it another way....

When I would go to Temps, I'd stay for about 2-3 hours. In that time, I would get 3 or 4 drinks. This "new crowd" would already be there when I got in, and, would stay after I leave, and, would buy the same number of drinks during that time. Less money coming in would concern the owner, of course.

This would explain why she didn't "work out".

She's now headed over to some bar on the south side that has even less business than Temps, and, she took the best looking female bartender with her....SHIT!

Anywho....

C has moved into her new place (condo) and is loving it. The only glitch she had was with her Scamcost. They charged her for service at her old place, even after she turned her cable off, and, they sent out not one, not two, but three idiots who could not/would not get her cable/ISP service going.

So, she told them to take their modem and the rest of their shit, and, cancel her service altogether.

She then called RCN, who came several days later, and, installed her cable/ISP. The guy didn't leave until her shit worked. That's customer service.

On the home front....

I had to officially interview for the senior spot in my store. I did that Monday night, and, got the position. It doesn't go into affect until the week after next, due to the fact that we are in the middle of a pay period.

Turns out the sup is excited to have me come over, which is great. It's always good to have the support of the leadership. But then I'll have the rather bitter ex-senior to deal with. That's fine, though. I can deal with that.

Today is just a lay back and chill day. Deb will be over to partake of grilling, and then we'll be off to celebrate my promotion by taking in a movie.

I've got phone calls to make and quarters to get, so, I'll be off for now.

2005-08-17T22:20:00.000-05:00

I've been meme'd......

My previously scheduled post has been pre-empted by a meme tag. I really need to learn how not to scroll down people's blogs to catch up on posts.....

What I was doing ten years ago

Hmmmm..... Ten years ago, I was just coming out, and, having to deal with an older woman (almost 20 years older) wanting to be my "first"

What I was doing five years ago

Five years ago, I was settling into the apartment I live in now

What I was doing one year ago

One year ago I joined Equal Marriage NOW!, which has since been the catalyst for my involvement with the Gay Liberation Network and my renewed passion for "street" activism.

Yesterday

I got up, made myself a very nice breakfast before going off to work

5 snacks I enjoy

Pringles, microwave popcorn, bananas, cereal and blue corn chips

5 songs I know all the words to

Justin Timberlake "Cry Me a River", Boom Boom Satellites "Dive for You", Backstreet Boys "Incomplete", The Killers "Smile Like You Mean It", Coldplay "The Scientist"

5 things I would do with $100 million

I would get myself a bachelor's degree in something, invest some for long-term, bail my mom out of all or her bills, then do the same for my dad (since at age 53 he has three more kids) and spend the rest of my life pissing off the conservatives....

5 locations I would like to run away to

There are none. Please read my 11/06/04 post.

5 bad habits I have

I pick my nose, I silent-fart and try to get someone else blamed for it, I drink too much pop, I don't brush my teeth twice a day everyday, and I constantly leave dishes in the sink

5 things I like doing

hanging out with friends, shopping while working, talking to my manager, sessions with my therapist, being out on the street doin' my thing

5 things I would never wear

Corduroy, linen, high heels, a thong, a dog collar

5 TV shows I like

Frasier, The Simpsons, MacGuyver, Dynasty, all of the L&O shows

5 biggest joys of the moment

My bag of Turtle Mix flavored Chex Mix, the ride I received to the train station from a woman I have my eye on, my checkbook is balanced, my hamper isn't overflowing, our space we rent in the garage is clean

5 favorite toys

My vibrator (duh!), my PS2, my PC, my MP3 player, my flexibility

I won't tag anyone, simply because I don't have anyone to tag since I haven't been reading blogs for weeks now, but, if anyone who reads this wants to put this in their blog, just leave me a comment to let me know you blog addy.

I'll be back tomorrow.

2005-08-17T13:57:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know that I have not posted here in several weeks. Yes, I know that is very bad.

And yes, I do have a lot of catch up on with you folks, including several revelations, a couple of emails, Market Days and a trip to Six Flags Great America for a company outing with my mom's employer.

And yes, I will be back either tonight or tomorrow before work to tell you about all of this.

2005-08-04T17:24:00.000-05:00

I'm such a wuss.....

I've been hiding in my air-conditioned bedroom for the past several days. I haven't gone out to do much except eat, shower, brush my teeth and seatings on the can.

I am doing laundry, since I have to change my clothing twice a day due to the weather, and, I don't have much left to wear that isn't black. I have way too much fucking black in my wardrobe. It's like I'm a permanent Johnny Cash convention resident or I'm in eternal mourning or something. It's just sick.

My lack of non-work movement has made me gain five pounds back. Ugh.

Last night was interesting, though. I got a chance to go over what happened over the past several meetings with the El Foro forum, and get feedback, as well as opinions so that I can figure out what, if anything, I should further do within this forum. I received some great feedback from angles that I hadn't honestly looked at (mostly because I am out), as well as advice as to what I should do, if anything.

It's frustrating for me because I want to do something..NOW! The self-appointed "steering committee" holds the belief that time should be taken in this matter, meanwhile, we as a community have given the bigots well over ten years to regroup and organize.

I myself have been ignorant of the goings-on of LLEGO, and, was just as shocked to hear about its closing as many other Hispanics in the city.

I honestly believe that someone had to know what was going on. Someone had to know the dire state of the finances at LLEGO. I believe that this forum is a reaction, and not a pro-action.

When a reaction is put into place, it is quick, swift and sudden. The players involved know what they are doing, and, have ample control. They know what kind of manpower, resources, and processes it will take to get something like this going.

They won't be sure how to maintain it, since that will be decided by participation, but, they can start it.

What frustrates me the most about all of this is that there is still no name and no mission/purpose statement, even after a total of nine meetings by the self appointed steering committee.

It's all swirling in my head right now, and, it's still a but much.

Something interesting, though. There was a member of one of the groups that originally called this forum at the meeting. His "solution" to my dilemma was simple enough.......

" Just stop going. If they aren't doing what you want to do, then just don't go anymore."

My point is that they aren't doing anything at all.

It's a valid point, no?

2005-08-01T12:30:00.000-05:00

So, do you like?

New template, you see.

It's now August 1st 2005, and, this is not where I pictured myself in life.

The days and months pass, and I barely even notice them anymore. To me, they've become another month, another year gone by.

I think I age, but, I just don't see it. Day after day of staring at the same face will do that to you.

Anyway....

Now that we are nearing the end of summer, we come upon the last event of Gaydom in the homo Mecca that is BoysTown in Chicago.....

North Halsted Market Days

You find the dykes, grrls, lesbos, golden pussy club members, butches, babys, women, womyn, mommies, bi folk, leather folk, bois, fags, gays, metros, daddies, trans, cross dressers, queers, tops, bottoms, Sirs, masters, slaves.....

And they don't just come out at night either, people.

I'll be joining in the festivities by volunteering some time in my group's booth. GLN will have a booth just north of the 7-11 at Halsted & Roscoe. I'm not sure if we will be sharing it with EMN as we did last year, but, we'll see. I'll be there Sunday from 11 to 3pm, then I'll be off to take in some sights, sounds and food.

As for D, she's been sick with a wonderful combination of pneumonia and an ear infection. She's currently on anti-biotics and pain-killers (I think), and, sounding better already. Her doctor might not be able to give her an "all clear" for work for another five days or so; we'll see.

As for me, I'll find out if I got the promotion sometime this week, Wednesday or Thursday it sounds like. I've been adjusting to working day side again slowly but surely.

2005-07-25T17:34:00.000-05:00

Guilt at the speed of life.....

Shit always seems to go down when I'm not around. That's either good or bad, I'm not sure.

But, some serious hardcore shit went down at work on the day side of things during the last week of my overnights.

I can't say what it is, only because it will pin-point where I work, but, I will say that the customer service supervisor, 2 seniors and all of our full-time cashiers are on suspension. They will probably lose their jobs. Over some stupid shit, too.

Turns out our front-end has been running on back-up cylinders. If all those people get fired, that will be some fucked up mess.

It looks like I'll be going to work this whole week out of uniform, which will be nice. It just blows my mind how customers still walk up to me and ask me questions, knowing full well I'm not in uniform. I was wearing a bright orange SpongeBob shirt and shorts. How much more out of uniform did I have to be to get people to not talk to me? Are people really that fucking stupid?

Hmm, I guess that some retail customers are too stupid for their own good.

Anyway.....

I do have something to ask of you, my readers.

I have received several emails off of profiles I've either updated or started up recently, sent by couples looking for a "third" partner, to add a little "spice" to their relationship.

Now, my being Mexican and all might be considered by some as "exotic", but, this isn't quite the spice I was thinking of.

Is there something in my posts or my writing style that screams "Fuck Me!"?
Have I ever written about a desire to have a threesome in any of my posts?

I don't ever recall doing so. If I ever have, will someone please let me know?

Thank you.

I was off this whole weekend and did nothing but hide in my air-conditioned bedroom. I got up early Sunday and did my running around quickly. 101 degrees is a great motivator for me staying in my bedroom.

So, that's about it. It looks like I'll have dinner plans with an online friend I've been chatting with for some time Saturday, but, that's about it.

I know, I sound so exciting, don't I?

2005-07-22T23:45:00.000-05:00

It's done.......

My overnights are over. They are done.

Doesn't mean the job itself is over, no, no. Multiple orders were placed for signage and fixtures, and, they are all probably coming to the store next week. Which would explain why myself and another co-worker are scheduled to be "off the floor" so to speak, and out of uniform.

It's being called "remodel bounceback". What it should be called is "Hurry it up and finish this shit already, and, while you're at it, get all of this shit out of the warehouse". Call it what it is people.

If my mom hadn't called me around 10:30 tonight to let me know where she was at, I probably would have slept the entire night and woke up sometime tomorrow afternoon. That's frightening.

Now begins the catch-up part, mostly with laundry and cleaning up my room. I have friends I haven't emailed in weeks, and, I haven't been the most consistent in up-keeping my blog either. There are a lot of things that have gathered a layer of dust, it's just that my store isn't one of them.

2005-07-17T17:18:00.000-05:00

Here's something for ya.....

I just got this image in my head....it seems to clarify for me how I view my relationships in the past and now.

Imagine a steel bridge with a series of ropes going across. Imagine that there is no bottom, no place to put your feet, so, the only way you are going to get across back and forth is by tying the ropes together in a certain fashion.

Imagine that as you are tying those ropes, you realize that you don't need all of them attached to the bridge, and, you begin to cut some down. That is me and what I am doing now, and have been doing. But, in the past, I would pre-judge which ropes to cut, only to realize afterwards that I needed some of those ropes after all.

But now, I am older and wiser, so, I cut after I tie, not before.

So now, I am standing on one of those rope knots I've made for my bridge, and, I realize that there is an extra rope behind me. As I walk closer to it, I see that it is stretched taut; I look down to see that someone is hanging from it. This is someone who wants to be a friend, a rope in my bridge, but, doesn't know why. I can't see where this person can fit....I don't need their rope.

I lift my arm, machete in hand, and I start to swing to cut it, and then stop. I look down again at this person, recollecting certain events in their life, and, how they mirror my own, the difference being that we've made different choices. They have gone on to live what I come closer and closer to believing.....no, I can't say that. We've just made different choices, that's all.

I believe that my hesitation is grounded in pity/disgust, but, I don't want those to be the reasons why I cut the rope.

So, each day I come closer to deciding whether I cut the rope or not, and, the person at the end just keeps hanging on.

This will get me in a bit of a bind with someone, but, oh well.....

2005-07-14T13:32:00.000-05:00

Ugh, finally.....

Okay, so, I'm done with work for the week.

I'll have several loads of filthy clothes to wash tomorrow; I have to wait until then because I'm broke.

I have a small "gash" on my forehead, courtesy of a fixture falling and hitting me directly in the face. It took almost 30 minutes for the blood to coagulate, which means that I probably should have gone to the ER to have it looked at. Eh, too late; it's already beginning to heal.

I was at work for 14+ hours today, with a one hour lunch. I so did not pack enough food or drink.

Last thing.....

I asked a buddy of mine "Why?.....Why?"

He looked at me and said, "I don't know why baby girl. I just don't know."

I'll leave it at that.

And I will be back later.

2005-07-13T11:04:00.000-05:00

These overnights are killing me. 9, 10 hour days with only two breaks and an hour lunch.

My clothes are absolutely filthy, and, I come home exhausted every day.

The only thing I'm looking forward to now is the weekend. I'm planning on being busy both nights.

This is all I have the strength to type.

2005-07-09T20:40:00.000-05:00

It's what's for dessert.

Okay, I'm going to post this just for shits and giggles. I received this in an email, and, I guess that I'm just curious, so, here goes....

If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, Which would you choose?
Pick your dessert, then look to see what Psychiatrists think about you!

1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue
4. Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate on Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake

Feel free to either leave your choice in the comments section or just keep it to yourself. I'll be putting the choice results in another post in the next several days. I personally chose brownies, only because I'm allergic to strawberries.

My body aches right now. Muscles I didn't even know I had got a workout over the past four nights. From mid-chest down to my knees, I ache.

I survived long enough to attend the El Foro meeting. I volunteered for the steering committee, since the group wants to create an advocacy/legal group, which would include calls to rally/protest and keeping tabs on governing bodies to find out who is LGBTQ friendly and who is not.

My curiosity is peaked. We shall see I guess.

I plan on resting, taking pain killers, stuffing my face and waiting for Deb to call to let me know what is going on. I've been trying to get a hold of her for the past three days now. That woman is killing me.

As for the overnights themselves, for the most part, it's a shitload of work. I'm working with the ex's former crew, and, they are having way too much fun at his expense. Ever since I told one of them that he broke up with me, they've been imitating certain habits of his and mocking his musical choice (predominately classical). Dare I say that they really don't miss him very much.

Hmmm, that's all I'm going to say about that .

(9:13pm) - Deb just called; her mom is out of ICU, and, doctors have decided to work on getting rid of the infection first. Fun stuff.

Well, this is pretty much it, I guess.

2005-07-08T11:22:00.000-05:00

Don't you worry.

I'm still alive.

Working 12+ hour shifts every night for the past several nights has severely cut into my post time. Heck, it's cut into "me" time and everything else. I've received several offers to go out that I've had to turn down because of my schedule.

The good thing is that I have this Saturday night off. The bad thing is that I'm broke; I've spent almost $60 between Mountain Dew, Gatorade and energy drinks to get me through this week.

Deb's mother was in the hospital as of Monday. Turns out she has an infection, along with a slew of other things, including having had a heart attack. The last I heard, doctors were debating whether to perform surgery on her; they weren't sure if her body could take the shock of an infection and invasion. It's been killing me not being able to be there or hear from Deb.

Times like this are trying times.

I'm hungry, tired, broke and worried.

Yeah.

2005-07-04T23:11:00.000-05:00

It's times like these......

Last night was hard. Really fucking hard.

It's not that I'm not used to being alone here in the apartment, but, last night, I was alone.

I hate it when I realize that I am that "kind" of alone.

The only other time it happened was the Saturday of the week the ex dumped me. It nearly put me to tears then, and almost did now.

That was hard to type out.

I've always been the obligatory "Rock of Gibraltar" for my family. When my Oma passed away, when we put Hero to sleep, when I put Spunky down, I've always been the one to keep things together for everyone else.

I've never allowed myself to show emotion until recently. I've always thought it made me look very unattractive.

I've just never wanted to let anyone in that far.

Hmmmm, I don't know what the point was in putting that here.

Anyway, this fucking rain has put such a cramp in my plans of sun and barbecue. I was hoping to even out my tan and grill up some burgers and beef franks that I bought yesterday.

There's always tomorrow for me.

Yeah, my overnights begin tomorrow. I'll be doing them for about a week or two, then it will be back to day-side for me.

I have three, four emails to write before I go to bed tonight.

I've been praticing for the overnights already. I was up until 3am this morning, and, I'll be up later than that tonight. I figure if I can make it until 4:30am or so, I'll be fine.

The next several days should be interesting. Wednesday night, I have my meeting with GLN, then Saturday morning, I have to run into the city for El Foro, which will run until 2pm. Ugh.

It'll be only for a little while, I tell myself.

I got so wasted Saturday night. Another ugh.

Well, that's it.

Time for me to sign off this thing, and, send off those emails.

By the way, Blogger's photo tool sucks ass. A big, fat, crusty, sweaty, stinky ass.

Fix it you bastards!

And, finally.........

You are Willow Rosenburg

Willow Rosenberg

"I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz."

What "Buffy" Character Are You?

The return of blog shit!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-03T17:27:00.000-05:00

You did what?

Well, I survived dinner with the ex yesterday.
It was strange, really. He made a statement that I felt compelled to shoot down, not because it was true, but, because I didn't want it to be.
He said that it sounded like I was more over him than he was over me.

He was right.

I've been feeling guilty about that fact for a while now. I've even discussed this with my friend Cindy, and, she's told me not to feel guilty about my feelings. I still do, though.

Yes, I've gone on a couple of dates, but, it doesn't mean that I am completely over him.

There were several times that he got that "look" in his eyes, the kind that I used to look for, the one that says "let me kiss you". When that happened, I looked away.

It's not a line in the sand, like I said; it's the Great Wall of China.

Hmmmm. I'll have to sit on this for a bit.

I just finally got out of bed several hours ago. I was out until 4:30 this morning. I'm slowly remembering what I did last night, which included lifting up my shirt several times. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

I really do need to get my ass in gear. I need to finally take a shower and I've got at least three loads of laundry to do.

Ick.

2005-07-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it's me again......

Yeah, there I am in the white t-shirt and olive shorts. I love those shorts, despite the fact that they make me look much heavier than I actually am.

The blond chick smiling at the camera is totally fucking hot. I couldn't figure out if she was single or not; she was there with another woman, but, they weren't terribly affectionate, so, I'm guessing "possibly single".

This was me before the sunburn. In the background is the pickup truck that was our makeshift float. I'm loading a heavy duty staple gun to finish securing a pink banner to several sticks. Cute blond lady helped. The t-shirt she's wearing is from one of the online womyn's groups I'm part of. I wanted to get one, but, having money for my dinner date was more important.

Speaking of that, I haven't heard back from L, and, I don't plan on it anymore. Besides, I'm chatting with several other women, so, it's no loss to me.

Hmmm, that's it for now. I have several more pics to take, and, then film to drop off to be developed before seeing "Land of the Dead" this evening.

2005-06-30T18:48:00.000-05:00

''.... in a nation of minorities, it is important that you don't cherry pick rights.''

"We were not the first, but I am sure we will not be the last. After us will come many other countries, driven, ladies and gentlemen, by two unstoppable forces: freedom and equality,"

There are times where, as a writer, it is hard for one to admit when someone else has said something better than you possibly ever could. Some make pathetic attempts to regurgitate the words to make them look like their own.

In the past few days, two more countries have passed legislation that secure a basic civil right denied to US citizens today; the civil institution of marriage.

Canada, who some view as the land of pot-smoking yahoos and Spain, a nation where Catholicism is deeply embedded, now guarantee the civil institution of marriage to all, irregardless of gender, race, ethnic background, religion and now, sexual orientation.

So, why not here then?

2005-06-30T16:37:00.000-05:00

Take the test, if for nothing else, then just to get one of those cool icons.....

Check it out on the sidebar.

I'm so not cool.

2005-06-29T20:42:00.000-05:00

Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Boo, Boo!

Take that BE-YOTCH!

Self-righteous asshole. That's what you get for playing the religious stooge attacking Science.

Punk-ass chump. You barely got a high school diploma and you think you're qualified to be discussing what is wrong with Psychiatry, a proven science.

Sure, Psychiatrists used to use electric shock therapy and sensory deprivation, but, they don't anymore, because they realized it doesn't work.

Responsible psychiatrists, like mine, ask you if you feel you should be on medication before they prescribe it to you. Yes, there are some that are not; those are the dumb fucks who are giving drugs to children simply because their parents don't want to deal with the kids.

Yes, I believe, like you Tom Cruise, that kids have no fucking business consuming any type of drug. The majority of prescriptions go to kids that parents don't want to be bothered with. Dare I say 90%+. But there are children that have genuine chemical imbalances that may not be treatable with immediate therapy; the therapy may take months if not years, and, may not correct the behavior soon enough.

I have a big fucking problem with you, Tom Cruise, when you criticize women for taking anti-depressants to deal with post-partum depression. Have you ever been knocked up, bitch?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Dare I say that the reason why you had to adopt kids is because you shoot blanks, bitch. So, you have no fucking right to criticize any woman that has to deal with a genuine chemical imbalance by consuming chemicals to correct it, for the sake of her sanity and her child(ren) and the ones she loves.

Fuck you and your criticism, Mister High School Education.

Apparently, you don't have a working grasp of your mental inferiority. You have to stick to one soapbox, Mister Stooge-of-Scientology, because you don't know enough to even step on it yet. Unless you plan on getting a Master's of Science in Psychiatry, you need to shut your pie-hole.

But here's the real test; if you're so hell bent on going your "No drugs for kids" campaign, why don't you start by knocking on your neighbor's doors?

No working class family member has the time or money to find a doctor who will dope up their kids; most insurance plans don't cover it unless you pay extra. Who does it? Either those on public aide or people wealthy enough to be your neighbors.

So start knocking, or start shutting up.

Let's see if Mr. Cruise has the courage of his convictions to start locally, shall we?

Or will he be like every other self-righteous rich-bitch, and assume his neighbors do no wrong?

2005-06-28T17:40:00.000-05:00

So, these are the people.....

In the pic above (I'm using Blogger's photo tool), you see pretty much all of the people that were under our banner, Queer/Trans Caucus of CAN, Code Pink, Chicago ANSWER, Not In Our Name, and GLN. EMN went off to take a seperate pic.

I'm not in this pic because by this time, I was either changing my shirt or leaving Borders altogether.

I shoould have pics up here sometime between Friday and Saturday. I have plans to go out to the movies with my group Friday night, and, Saturday the ex is supposed to come over with my stuff.

As for L, I have not heard back from her yet. Something that I did not mention is the fact that when I came back from the bathroom at Reza's before we left, she was writing something in a small notebook. If it was either because she had a full week's worth of suitors, or, she just couldn't retain shit, it's not a situation I want to get into either way.

We'll have to see. If she doesn't call back by the end of the week, I won't trouble myself with it anymore. Besides, my overnights begin next week, and, I might be up for a promotion at work; I won't have time for drama.

2005-06-27T13:43:00.000-05:00

Wow.

Yesterday, I ran the gauntlet of emotions.

I barely got to the Parade on time because I woke up later than I should have. It didn't help that I didn't get to sleep until 2 am.

I made the mistake of not putting on any sunscreen or sunblock, and, now my face and forearms are burned. I got sick from the heat yesterday and ended up leaving my group once we got to the end of the Parade.

On the way back, I ran into a Borders to change and to vomit. I then loaded up on a bunch of fluid (water specifically), and, was able to keep my dinner plans.

I finally got to Reza's at around 7:30pm. It's a vegetarian/Mediterranean restaurant, and, I loved it from the very first time I ate there.

L and I both ordered chicken with dill rice, just prepared differently. We barely touched our food, we were talking so much. I was amazed at the fact that we instantly connected.

I wanted to be proper, so, I just walked up to her and said hello, then we headed over to eat. I lead and opened the door for her, as well as waiting for her to sit before I did. We weren't able to get patio seats, but, I think we both had a good time nonetheless.

As we left the restaurant, I asked her if she wanted to join me for a coffee at Kopi's, which she said yes to; that is a good sign. We ended up talking for almost an hour more, before we walked to Jewel to get stuff we needed (I needed solution for my contacts, she needed kitty food).

We said our "goodbyes" at her street, and, I went to find my way home.

I finally got home around midnight, and, this included a ride from my mom from the train station. Neither of us were happy, but, the folks at RTA don't know what's going on in their own system. I could have taken the Yellow Line from Howard to the end of the line and gotten home quicker than my mom driving back from the Howard Red Line Stop. Stupid RTA monkeys.

Today I finally crawled out of bed at noon, and, I'm still burned, unfortunately. It's my arms that bother me the most.

Ronald Reagan is NOT the Greatest American. He is a punk-ass-bitch and was nothing more than a tool of the religious right. The Berlin Wall coming down during his administration was coincidence and not of his doing. The ultimate destruction of Communism and the USSR was during Clinton's time, not Reagan's.

I've got rolls of film to get developed; the problem being the boobie shots. I'll have to call around to see who doesn't have a problem with developing pics containing half-naked women on the public way.

You'd be amazed at how hard it is. There's this little thing called "interpretation" by the person developing the film. If they believe it is pornography, they have to report it to state authorities, especially if they feel it's child porn. I am under the impression that all of the womyn from Queer/Trans Caucus of CAN were of age. If they aren't, I could be in a world of hurt.

Anyway, one last thing. I was wearing my buddy Glenn's t-shirt that says "I support Homo Marriage" in the parade yesterday. I had at least five different people take pictures of my chest, since the wording was strategically placed across my boobs. I totally had that planned, but still....

I have laundry to do, emails to write and a shower to take.

Later.

2005-06-26T01:05:00.000-05:00

I gots boobie pics.......

At least I think I do.

I shouldn't be like this, after all, the boobies belonged to the Queer Anarchists, who are far more left than I could ever be. Seriously.

But, they are boobies after all.......

I'll see what happens.

More importantly, I'll see if I can find someplace that has the balls to print them, since I have an APS camera.

Anyway.

The number one question that Deb and I get when we're seen together is.....

"Why aren't you guys dating?"

Why would we fuck up a perfectly good relationship with sex? It's just plain stupid.

Turns out that said long-time friends did not make-up after all. One sleeps on the couch while the other sleeps in the bed. And they're both alone.

I would never want to do that. Ever.

I'd rather be truly alone than a fake alone. Understand?

I had an amazing time at the Dyke March today, and, I have lots of pictures. About 30 to be exact.

I had a great time to the party as well. I did get "political", but out of curiosity, not to cause trouble.

After the march, and before the party, one of the women that I gave my number to called back.

I have plans for dinner tomorrow evening, after the Pride Parade.

I have a tan on my arms and legs, and, a burn on my face, which doesn't hurt.

I was 15 minutes late for the march because red line service was stopped from Granville to Addison. They said it was a "power outage". Turns out a guy died on the tracks, I think from falling off the platform and hitting the third rail. When I got back to the station where it happened 4 hours later, they had already laid new balast. I don't think that the people on the platform knew what happened.

Frightening.

I'm just waiting for Deb to call me to let me know she got home okay.

I'll be sleeping in the living room tonight, since it has cooled off dramatically, and, it's the coolest room in the house. It will help with the electric bill.

I have an early and long day tomorrow, folks. I'm sure that I will be typing something here, since I'm off on Monday.

Oh, I don't plan on fooling around with anyone until I go and get tested. I don't think I got anything, but, it's better to be safe than sorry.

2005-06-24T23:42:00.000-05:00

To "A"......

If you're still reading my blog, I must say I'm intrigued. I guess that you were reading from work, because my trace only got as far as Boston.
I like your style and perception.

Talk to me..................

latinlez@gmail.com

2005-06-24T10:02:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah!

I finally caved in and put my AC in my bedroom window last night. It felt so good to be able to sleep without sweating.

Soon I'll be off to pick up my new glasses and contacts. In this weather, I'm grateful I'm taking Pace instead of CTA. Pace buses are much nicer and the AC more consistent.

It will be about an hour ride/walk to get to the office, but, I don't have a car, so, I'll have to suck it up.

I've had a bunch of emails lately from several online ads I've placed or updated. I've also sent out a bunch as well. It was kinda like the "cast a wide net" thing. I send out 8 or 9 emails, I get four responses back.

Eh, I'll just see what happens.

I'll be a busy bee tomorrow and Sunday.

This part written after 3:30pm

Ooooo, my glasses are weird. They're weird because they are the right prescription, so, I feel like I've lost 4 inches.

Every time I get a new pair of specs, I always feel like I've lost several inches. The good thing is that every time, my new pair are more and more stylish. I'll have to get used to the dark frames. My regular glasses have a very dark purple frame, and, my prescription sunglasses have a very dark brown frame, again that almost look black.

I will be staying in my bedroom until 4:30 or so, then I'll have to contend with thawed beef for burgers, and hopefully, with the sun starting to go down, it will be a little cooler.

I hope.

Oh, Q Network will be broadcasting the Chicago Pride Parade, along with San Fran's, New York City, Atlanta's and Houston's Sunday. If you can get it, cool. I think it's one of those channels you request and pay for separately.

Don't worry boys and girls, I'll be taking pics and putting some here for you all.

Tootles.

2005-06-22T19:31:00.000-05:00

Something's Coming......

Hey Now!

I said something, not someone.

It's almost near.........the Dyke March.

Dyke March

Dyke March

Dyke March

Dyke March

Dyke March

Dyke March

I had a very interesting session with my therapist yesterday. Very interesting.

A very stark revelation.

But it's something that I may very well have to keep to myself for the rest of my life.

Oh don't worry, I plan on staying true to my pussy-eating, titty-sucking ways.

Unless another guy comes along whom I decide once again to get involved with. Hopefully one that won't talk a good game and then get cold feet over 5 months.

It's been a creepy feeling that I've had for a while now, and, it mirrors events in my own life. Scary.

Anyway, I will leave you all with........

The Power of Three

3 names I go by:

Isa, Izzy, Isabella (even though it's not the name on my birth certificate)

3 screen-names I've had:

AriesLez, LatinLez, Aries321

3 physical things I like about myself:

The fact I wear a size 10, my toes, my hair

3 physical things I dislike about myself:

My eyes, my thighs, my hair

3 parts of my heritage:

The dominant ones are: Mexican, German, Russian

3 things I am wearing right now:

A "Just Be You" t-shirt, a pair of men's boxers (I didn't give up all of my "manwear") and a pair of light beige Lee Jeans

3 favorite bands / musical artists:

Way too many to name, but, off the top of my head, M.I.A., Dead Can Dance and Babble

3 favorite songs:

This is way too easy. For right now, they are Toni Braxton's "He wasn't man enough for me", Ultra Nate's "Desire" and Lara Fabian's "I will love again", all dance versions of course.

3 things I want in a relationship:

Stability, Security and Honesty

3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me:

a self confident walk, between a size 8 and 14, and the eyes

3 of my favorite hobbies:

does activism qualify as a hobby? That would pretty much occupy all three

3 things I want to do really badly right now:

Have a cup of coffee at Kopi's with a potential "date", be at the Pride Parade poster-making party right now at Andy's place, pop some popcorn shrimp in the oven to snack on

3 things that scare me:

Ignorance, Intolerance and people who bitch about a problem but never do anything about it

3 of my everyday essentials:

Coke, cereal and my friends

3 careers you have considered or are considering:

Financial Advisor, Actress, Singer

3 places you want to go on vacation:

Visit Ronald Reagan so that I can kick his ass and flip him off for allowing AIDS to perpetuate to the point it has, visit Pope John Paul II and laugh at him because within a few months of declaring war on Gay Marriage Rights, he died, and visit my Oma to let her know that my dad did what he said he would, just not very well. All of these people are dead, so, it might prove difficult.

3 kids' names you like:

April, Dakota, Reagan

3 things you want to do before you die:

See all LGBT folk have full and sustained civil rights, to get married/committed and live long enough to see my grandchildren grow up, George W. Bush tried and found guilty of treason against the US

3 ways I am stereotypically a boy:

I maintain my mom's car for her, I don't like frou-frou stuff and I don't care what my nails look like

3 ways I am stereotypically a chick:

I have enough shoes to give to 20 people and still have several left to wear, I like lipstick, I'm vain about my hair

3 celeb crushes:

Angie Harmon, Mariska Hargitay, Elizabeth Rohm

2005-06-21T17:39:00.000-05:00

An offer I've refused....over and over again

I just had to do this. Seriously.

Some people that I have informed about my being dumped have offered consolation...and....free "services".

Here's the tally so far:

5 people have offered to inflict some sort of physical harm.
4 people have offered to do one of the following things to the ex-bf's car: key the paint, smash out the windows, slash the tires or pour sugar in the gas tank.
2 people have offered to track his IP and load up his PC with so much spyware and so many viruses, he'll never be able to get rid of it all.
3 people have offered to track him down, tie his ass up and run him over with the "Big Joe", a type of lift that raises a platform up and down.

Now, I'm definitely not one for violence, but, this shit is hysterical. Seriously.

I feel like I'm in some retail mafia or something.

Hysterical.

2005-06-20T21:39:00.000-05:00

Ouch! That hurts.

Spoke to the now ex-bf on the phone last night.

Turns out that he's had several dates, and, we've haven't even been broken up for two weeks.

Ouch.

The more I poke and dig, the more I realize that I meant infinitely less to him than he meant to me.

At this point, I'm just shaking my head wondering why.

The good news is that with each passing call, it hurts less and less. I'm amazed at how quickly I'm getting over him quite honestly. I'm sure it has to do with the distance.

In a couple of weeks, I'll find out. He'll be swinging by my place with my stuff, along with picking up and paying me for some SACDs that I got for him.

In the long run, I just wonder who will have more regret.

2005-06-19T02:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, so, here is the photo from WCT for you all.

2005-06-19T01:56:00.000-05:00

Fun stuff

It's 2 am, and, I'm just pounding this out to let you all in on what my weekend has been like so far.

I've been talking to Cindy every day for the past four days. I've only called her once. What does that mean?

Last night, I was at Temps until 3:30am. Shouldn't have been there that long. I ended up leaving with a woman's cell number. It only took me ten minutes to get it. Scary.

After work today, I finally went to my eye doctor and ended up dropping over $300 for two pairs of glasses, several exams and 3 months supply of contacts, all with my new prescription. Both of my eyes have the same prescription. That's fucked up. It's usually my right eye that's worse.

I survived all of today with a nasty hangover and 3 hours of sleep. I ended up coming back home and falling asleep for three hours.

My friend Deb came over and we ended up staying at my place for our night "out". I was and still am too tired to go out.

I have several more loads of laundry to do before I go to work tomorrow. And several phone calls to make. And several emails to send off, and, yada yada yada.

I'm checking my profile at lesbianation and going to bed.

If any of you are curious to know what I look like and you just happen to live in Chicago, pick up a copy of the new Windy City Times, and, turn to page 17. Under the article "GLN Protests Anti-Gays' Fundraiser", you'll see a pic. On the right hand side, second to last person with the ponytail....that's me. My shorts are way too big for me. The shirt I'm wearing is courtesy of my buddy Glenn, the gentleman holding the microphone.

2005-06-16T18:26:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the face of bigotry. Nice, smiling, elected bigotry. This is Ronda Storms, a commisioner from Hillsborough County in Florida. This county includes the Tampa Bay Area. The Tampa Bay Area features two very attractive venues, the first being Busch Gardens, and the second being a regional distribution center for Anheiser (sp?) Busch.

2005-06-16T18:24:00.000-05:00

The commision decided that all Gay theme events would not be allowed in Hillsborough County. They also agreed to have all Gay themed books pulled from Public Libraries. They have refused to grant benefits to partners of county workers. Anyone distributing Gay material in Hillsborough County will be arrested.

2005-06-16T18:22:00.000-05:00

Feel free to email away, and while you're at it, go ahead and spread this to anyone you know that is as pissed off as I am about this. Feel free to contact her at; http://www.hillsboroughcounty.org/bocc/about/contactus.cfm. Tell her as many times as you want.

2005-06-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

A Super Hero Weekend ends with.......a hangover?

Saturday night, actually, let's go back to Saturday afternoon.

I was on the bus headed back to my place when I got a call from "ID Withheld".

It's a call from my therapist.

She wanted to know how I was doing since the break-up. I let her know that I was doing as good as I could, given the circumstances. She reassured me that if I needed to talk to her, I could.

I let her go and went on with my day. My shitacular day at work. It was dead. D-E-A-D.

It didn't end soon enough.

Woke up Sunday, did some straightening up around the place and went off to work.

After work, I got to my mom's car, and, called up Deb to see if she wanted to do anything.

We ended up at Temps for the night.

Sunday night is karaoke night (Japanese for "singing off-key intentionally") at the bar. It was dead for the most part, which means the Deb and I have free reign to play whatever games we wanted. Pool, Air Hockey, Darts, more Pool, more Darts, and for me, followed by a little flirting.

Her name is Lisa. I worked my way in by offering to fix the clock on her cell phone. She was very cute; the hair was excessively curly, but, she was still cute. I introduced myself after I gave her her cell back, and, we got to talking, mostly reminiscing about the old days at bars like Paris Dance, The Closet and Shyner's Pub.

We then got to talking about music artists and stuff; it was cool.

She walked back up to the front to request another song to sing to, while Deb and I worked our way back to playing darts. I looked up, and she was gone.

I'm sure I'll be seeing her again.

I finally crawled home around 1:30am, and, got up in enough time to be at work 3 minutes before 7. 7am.

Slow and hung-over. Not a good combination.

Today, I recover.

Seriously.

Tomorrow, I will type more, since I am off Wednesday.

2005-06-11T23:49:00.000-05:00

A Super Hero Weekend Continues...

As I told the ex-boyfriend's parents when I dropped off his stuff at their place, I have an action-packed weekend.

Actually, considering it's almost over, I should be saying "I'm having" and not "I have".

Anywho.

Yesterday, it was lunch with my best friend (who, it turns out, was drinking in some piss-poor company, hence the thoughts of suicide), then it was off to see my buddies G and his partner, who I have not seen since forever.

It was good to catch-up with them, starting with the news of my recent dumping. They pretty much had the same thing to say as everybody; it wasn't meant to be.

We all packed into Andy's car, which was already full of shit, and, headed over to the Yacht Club to be if nothing more than a thorn in Peter Labarbigot's side. Since the car has no working horn, I advised all in the car at the time that if they wanted traffic to get moving, they could always just yell "honk" really loud to get attention.

It was hysterical to have 4 gay men yell "HONK!" every time they wanted to traffic to move; even scarier....It worked several times!

Anyway, it was good to get out and chant at some bigots once again. Needless to say, I had some pent-up anger that I needed to let out, and, it was for a great cause.

After our counter-party, we headed over to Navy Pier to snack/dine and drink (some of us anyway) and had a good time overall.

I made plans with a certain friend/fellow activist for today before I started work. I had a reason.

I started today by dropping off the ex's stuff at his parent's place. They were far kinder than they had to be, and I definitely appreciate that. I had to make it clear that the ex did not ask me to drop off his stuff at their place; I did of my own free will, and, I just had to.

The pictures are going next. I plan to use them to light up my grill on Wednesday. I'm serious. There is a small part of me that feels like I wasted $80+ for nothing.

I'm going to stop now.

So, I headed back to my place to keep said plans with f./f.a.

We met up and got a chance to walk around MidSummer Days in Andersonville. There were so many cute dykes there! I was in heaven!

But, I had to gather my courage to do what I had wanted to for almost a year.

See, about a year ago, one of the first people I met from my activist group was a woman named Cindy. Yeah, I've had a "thing" for her since day one.

Personally, I think she's hot.

She was said person that I had made plans with for today.

I told her how I felt, and, that I've had a thing for her for a while now.

She was flattered. She told me that she liked doing things with me and hanging out and stuff; she wanted to see where things would go.

I told her that I understood; I just wanted to get that off my chest, so to speak, and told her that she can do with it what she wanted.

We ended up having appetizers at Reba's (excellent Persian cuisine!) and talking for a bit longer.

Before I knew it, I had to leave to get to work on time.

She walked me up to the north end of the festival, and, gave me a hug before I left.

Now, Cindy's given me hugs before and all, but, this one was different.

She held on a lot longer than "normal". The hug got stronger as it went on.

That's thrown me off a bit. I'm not sure what to make of it.

Anyway, I went off to work and did my thing.

Got out of work tonight, and, now I have tentative plans for tomorrow night with my best friend again.

Action packed, I'm telling you.

Well at least for me.

2005-06-09T20:04:00.000-05:00

I've just done something that I have not been able to do in the past 24 hours.

I ate an entire meal.

I've spent the past several hours on the phone catching up with friends, and, it's all made me feel better.

My support system has gotten a little larger since my last post.

It's times like these that rebuild my faith in humanity.

And it's the little things that count during times like these.

2005-06-09T16:50:00.000-05:00

Maybe later....

I can't go into details right now: the wound is far too fresh for me to poke at it in an attempt to analyze it.

What I can say is that I showed up to work a half hour late this morning because I couldn't sleep last night. Because this is so new, I only told the people at work who either needed to know or whom I've known for several years.

They all had the same response......

"He's losing a good woman"

My ego wants to agree with them, but, right now, it's my heart that needs tending to.

But even that will have to go on the shelf for now. Just as events in my life have turned for the worse and I need her the most, my best friend has gone suicidal on me.

Losing my boyfriend or my best friend wanting to kill herself....guess which one wins?

Left the ex a message on his phone, though. I need to make sure his parents are at their home so that I can drop off his stuff there.

There's no need for his overnight kit to be here anymore, there's no need for me to have the spare set of keys to his car, and I don't want to see the picture he gave me of himself or anything that reminds me of him right now.

In order for me to be his friend, I have to get over having had him as a boyfriend. In order for me to do that, I have to take him out of my life for a while.

But for now, this means that I'll be gathering all of the photos of him and I taken at Sears and promptly throwing them away, including the one in my wallet. They have no value anymore.

And the cutesy "I miss you" cards I bought will have to wait to be written to someone else.

2005-06-08T22:31:00.000-05:00

As of 9:20 this evening, I am single again.

The bf broke up with me. I was not surprised.

What I was surprised about was how my mom reacted to the news. When I told her, she got up off of the sofa she was sitting on, and hugged me.

"He's giving up a good thing."

Her words.

Mommies can still surprise you after all those years.

I'll explain in more detail tomorrow.

2005-06-08T19:40:00.000-05:00

God Bless You, Mrs. Robinson

Anne Bancroft died of uterine cancer today.

Most people remember her from the role of Mrs. Robinson in "The Graduate".

It was a ballsy role for its time, and, many remember her for it.

Another film, if you haven't seen it already, is "The Miracle Worker", where Bancroft plays Helen Keller's visually impaired teacher. It also stars Patty Duke.

Another film I'd recommend is "Agnes of God".

God Bless, Mrs. Robinson. God Bless.

My planned rant will have to wait until tomorrow.

Serious shit has gone down between the bf and I, but it's nothing we can't work through.

But I'm not telling you what it is. Some shit is too personal to put in cyberspace. Seriously.

2005-06-06T20:34:00.000-05:00

Spread it far and wide Folks! If you live in Illinois and believe that all people should be treated equally, feel free to copy and paste this in an email & send it to everyone you know!

TELL THE
ILLINOIS "FAMILY" INSTITUTE

Opposing Equal Rights
is BIGOTRY

The Illinois "Family" Institute (IFI) is about to launch an attempt to write bigotry into the Illinois State Constitution. They are about to begin a campaign for an amendment to ban equal marriage rights for Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals and Trans people.

Join the Gay Liberation Network and all those who oppose legislative gay bashing at a demonstration outside the last in a series of IFI fundraising galas around the state. We will meet on Friday, June 10 at 6:00 PM outside the Columbia Yacht Club located at 111 N. Lake Shore Drive. The keynote speaker of their $100-a-plate event is Phil Burress, the architect of Ohio's draconian constitutional amendment banning legal recognition not only of same-sex marriage, but any same-sex relationships. The IFI is announcing their attack on equal rights at this time in an attempt to use the 2006 Illinois gubernatorial election to demonize gay and lesbian people.

Help us to send Phil Burress packing! He can return to Ohio with the message that his Illinois crusade is doomed from the start. Tell the Illinois "Family" Institute that their crusade for hate throughout the state is bigotry.

STOP the drive for an anti-gay constitutional amendment in Illinois.

PROTEST at the COLUMBIA YACHT CLUB
6:00 to 7:15 PM on Friday, June 10. Monroe Harbor -- Randolph St. and Lake Shore Drive

Directions: Go to 111 N. Lake Shore Drive, at the foot of Randolph Street, under Lake Shore Drive. By public transportation, take the Red Line "el" to the "Monroe" stop, and walk east on Monroe Street through Grant Park to Lake Shore Drive. Cross Lake Shore Drive, turn left and walk north on the bicycle path to Randolph Street. By car, park in the Grant Park garage (entrance on Columbus Drive, just north of Monroe).

2005-06-04T18:28:00.000-05:00

What the hell is that? In the sky?!

The bf referred to my recent post as "sky-writing".

My response was "Who hired the son-of-a-bitch? I need to kick his ass."

He said that he had hoped that I had not written in my blog before talking to him about what and how I was feeling.

I let him know that my blog is a sounding board for me, a place to vent and clear my head.

I also let him know that I wanted to calm down before I spoke to him, and, sometimes letting off steam in my blog is the way to do it.

He thanked me for cooling off before we sorted out the "problem".

He made a good point in saying that part of the reason why this happened is because there has been a growing tension between the two of us since the actual "date" of me moving in with him has been getting closer and closer.

It's a big change for the both of us. I won't say that this decision carries more weight for him or I, it's just a big choice. Ultimately, we will be moving in together, and that's something that I've been all talk and no action on for several of my previous relationships.

Unless "we" blow up, there's no going back. Neither he nor I can go back on our word; if either of us do, the other will think "something" is going on.

(other part written on 6/06)

The bf is in a bit of a bind. I trust him, which is why I'm helping him. Why is it that my trust isn't consistent in all facets of my life? Or is my fear holding me back?

I've given my word, and, in my heart I believe this will work. In my head, this is a win/win situation or a lose/lose situation. It's a huge risk, but a chance I will take.

But here's something I've realized just a few hours ago. I've never had a relationship last beyond a year and a half, and from what he's told me, neither has he. Is living together for ten months going to be a good enough gauge as to whether we will work or not?

We'll have to see.

2005-05-31T23:52:00.000-05:00

I'm good.

Sorry that I haven't written in a long time. An excessively long time.

Thanks for the well wishes for my vacation. It was great. As always, it ended too soon.

For the most part, all I did was watch cable and movies, listen to music, surf the net, or sleep late.

It was good to spend the time with the bf, just to get a taste of what I'd be getting into. Madison is a beautiful place. Rural two lane roads run within the city limits; there is a ton of farmland that lies within Madison.

There are lots of trees and grass. None of the orange "city" glow that you get at night, making the stars invisible. No haze in the sky. The sun goes down late up there.

The people are great and friendly. The bf fits in well here, and, I hope to as well.

But, I'm already talking about Bridge D when I haven't even gotten to B yet.

There is a setback that has made the distance to Bridge D longer.

Because of my bankruptcy, I can't leave the state until the end of July, the earliest. Turns out that even though I'll have paid off my bankruptcy with the second paycheck this month, the trustee will continue to garnish my checks until an audit of my case is completed. Such an audit could take 4 to 6 weeks.

My attorney forgot to tell me about this slight detail that is putting a cramp in my plans.

But, that will fix itself in time.

But, for right now, I can't see Bridge B yet. The path to it is still there, but, it's gotten a bit harder to see the goal right now.

Last night, I decided to call the bf back before he went to bed, since the first time he called me, I was under a bit of stress and couldn't speak with him on any real level; all I could handle was pleasantries.

When I called him back, he said that he really couldn't tell that I was stressed, which relieved me. He then informed me that he received a response to his profile at Match.com that went something along the lines of "Trains and Europe are cool" or something like that.

He told me a bit about her and the pics that were on her profile. He let me know that he was going to respond to her and all, which by me is cool. What wasn't cool was what he said after all that.

"If there's any potential, I'll let you know."

Really?

I understood the words that came out of his mouth, but what I feel he really said to me was;

"Hey, you know all that talk about us moving in together? About how I say that if we work out, we could be getting married in a couple of years and all that? Yeah, I'm willing to throw that away just to go out on a date with some chick that I barely know. That's how important you are to me."

Dare I say that a big part of my problem with this is that I'm not sticking to my own word, so to speak. I was out the other night with another member of GLN doing some postering and stuff, and, was asked if this "change" is permanent or not. My response was "I don't know. I'm just enjoying the ride right now." I'm simply chanting my mantra, not actually practicing it because I let myself believe what I was being told.

If I'm dating someone that I feel is willing to be like this, I really shouldn't be taking them so seriously.

But, before I continue this train of thought, I tell myself, I need to backtrack a bit.

Before I continue, I have to explain something. My definition of the word "single".

To me (to most people in my life experiences) the words "single" means that you are unattached, not seeing anybody, completely free of any bonds of a potential long-term relationship.

For several months now, the bf has been trying to close his account at Match.com. This has involved fighting a charge to his credit card for renewal even though he didn't approve it.

It didn't bother me that he had the account or even that he kept getting emails almost every day with potential matches. It didn't bother me that he would look at them. Hell, he'd even look at them while I was at his place and would let me see them.

What bugged me is that here he is, a man who is, by my definition, no longer single, who is dating someone who he keeps saying that he's happy with, and all that.

When someone (again in my experience) finds someone that they become serious with, most often than not, they tend to forget about personal ads that they've placed in the past, unless a renewal charge comes up for them; then they usually cancel the service and go on.

I found it a bit strange to discover that the bf had gone and updated his profile with his new location, despite the fact that he was not only trying to cancel the service, but he longer fit the usual meaning of "single".

This other woman contacted him with the intent of speaking to a "single" guy. The bf's profile on Match.com (according to him) says that he is "single".

Before I do or say anything else to him, I need to know what his definition of "single" is.

I left him a message on his voicemail. The ball is in his court.

2005-05-16T14:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, no headline here.

I'm on vacation this week, and, I've been up in Madison since Saturday afternoon.

It's strange being in a place where big city aura is run by small-town thought.

It's very quiet here, and, unlike Chicago, I can look up at the night sky and actually see stars. The big dipper is currently residing directly above the apartment I'm at.

There are railroad tracks that run nearly three miles north and south of the apartment complex. The bf and I walked up and down the tracks for three hours yesterday before coming home to make queso fundido, frijoles con chorizo and carne asada.

Actually, I made all that food while the bf put up pictures. He wanted to wait until I came up here so that I could have some say in where the pics go.

I know it's my vacation, and, I should be relaxing, but, the bathroom and the kitchen here are in dire need of cleaning, so, I'll take are of those before the bf gets home from work.

Blogger downtime prevented me from publishing my last post. No warning caused me to lose almost two hours of thought and energy. Punk-ass bitches.

Anyway, while I'm here, I'll be looking up some of the GLBT clubs and groups so that I can continue to make trouble while I'm here.

More in the next few days, folks.